Wrinkles

Sometimes I still wish I was from somewhere.

2009-01-17T18:59:00.008-06:00

There is such a vast amount we take away from the people in our lives.

Depending, of course, on who you are.

I treasure it all.

After all, this is all there is to life right? All of the angst, pain, worry, all the junk was just a needless side note- because this, this is all there really is. Life should be enjoyed while we have it. The sun on our face, the wind in our hair, all that we have. The stuff of songs and love stories and the things that get our blood pumping, it’s all there ever should have been and it’s great when we figure some of that out. Though it’s often hard at first to shed old habits but then realizing we have the ability it becomes exciting instead.

Some people that I think to often are people that in my memories seemed to have a smaller role than others but for whatever reason, they were there say- the day just before something incredibly pivotal occurred and are now forever emblazoned for a word they shared or a smile in a moment or a recipe. Always there.

The guy who taught me how to whisk fluffy omelets- there, the girl who’s name I envied for it’s glamorous simplicity- there, the lady in the bathroom at the court house as I filed my papers who told me it was going to be hard but I could do it- there. You are all here.
A slow motion masterpiece my memory is.

Some people I think about often are people that have been in my husband’s memory whom I have never even known, except through him and his stories and through the way I envision them honing who he is today, in their own little ways, they have become people in my life too.

This week I have gotten in touch with some old friends from high school. Not people who I only nodded to in halls but people that became part of who I am. People I talked to that were happy with me, critical of me and were close to me. I am so curious for them to tell me what I talked to them about! I only remember bits and fragments.

These were people who cared about me and I knew it, who smiled when they saw me, who went out of their way to call me and talk for hours, who made cd’s for me and watched scary movies with me and took me to safety when I wasn’t too safe and who’s laughs I won’t haven’t forgotten even as life has taken me far and wide.
We have so much to catch up about and we never could completely.

I have had SO much FUN focusing on remembering just what my favorite memories about them are. Weren’t we so beautiful, round cheeked and dynamic, even as we fought to see ourselves? WE were, probably are now but may not realize it until later.

In moments over the past week, my mind has felt almost rickety as I turn my wheels back and back trying to remember a moment or a look or something that made me laugh hysterically because the time where these people were, in my life, was fantastically care free.

Even for the drama of being a teenager, which was, almost entirely only difficult due to my poor sweet parents trying to cling to an idea of me, which I was changing so quickly through, none of us could hold onto a clear thought or picture of who I may become.
It was awesome, timeless, carefree, and truly near the top as far as exquisite life experiences go.

Later I would put the teeth behind all of the ideas of me.

Later I would realize I am a woman who can simply do absolutely anything that can be dreamed up with only a modicum of will and excitement.

Later I would learn what was meant by the term “personal strength,” and that it is something we breathe into our bodies rather than anything we put out into the world.

Later I would realize that excitement and joy is absolutely all there should be to life and that even the moments of anguish should be loved dearly, as it only makes the best times untouchable and perfect outcome is absolutely inevitable.

Later in life I would have reason to take stock of good advice.
Later in life I would cherish the times in which I could guess it or give it and especially the times it would be ok for me to let someone dear to me make their own mistakes and be ok with it.

Smile anyway.

Later in life I would understand the depth of which a commitment must be made or a loving heart would be needed and the blessing of being wise enough to surround yourself with positive people when you really really need most to be surrounded by positive people.

Later in life I would understand the perfection of timing.

Later, I would understand there are some things which don’t need to be taken to their furthest extent merely because they could be.

Later I would have a full understanding of all the things my lovely parents talked to me long and hard about back then.

Later in life I would carry in my belly the truth of all the pain my actions caused others and I would also learn that it’s ok to let it all go. Healthy even.

Later in life I would understand the way our children are rooted into us from deep in our bellies out, the cord never truly severed no matter how they slice it. Later I would understand the pain of this fact mixed with the joyous beauty of the very same thing and no words ever could have made me understand or appreciate it before I had the experience of it myself.

Later I would notice I was always young and lovely then and wonder why I never notice it in the moment- only after the fact?
Later I would identify the above as something I should work through sooner rather than later.

Now I fully appreciate it all and sincerely try to be fully in every moment, hearing it, smelling it, feeling it NOW, because it’s really all there is and I want to impress it all deeply into my psyche, burn each moment in my memory, so that when things in my life are so much more slow, as is the life of most of the folks whom I care for; I will entertain my care givers with my stories filled with the passion I have felt for my life and whisper my memories of sights and sounds and feelings into my husbands fuzzy ear as he languishes over the images from behind closed lids- my breath still at least tepid on his ear.

If fate should have it that I will not remember for one reason or another, then hopefully those who have shared it with me will keep our encounter bright in their stories- but I won’t know the difference anyway in that case. Still, a dreamer dreams and that’s me.

Smiling.

I have giggled through little stories to Nicholas I tell him from in front of my computer and he by my side at his; explaining to him about who these old friends were to me, how they touched me, how we had SO MUCH FUN and trying to imitate the way they laughed or the way their ideals tried to point me in various directions which I only later appreciated fully.

Nicholas calls me stubborn.

When I told him some of my stories today, Nicholas did the same for me- showing me pictures of his friends then; now, and we re-hashed a bunch of stories between us that made my imagination soar.

A game I play with myself in regard to my husband’s life before me is to try to replay his stories, as he has told them to me, like a movie in my mind where I only take up a small corner of the scene- able to view it all, feel it all.

I adore him the way he is now, I only wish I had the ability to observe all the places I wasn’t in his life, like a movie, a never ending saga. If so, it would surely have in it, all the right elements to hold my attention in all the right measurements, (so as not to be too over bearing) because it contains everything that I look for really, take by take.

Phrases To Live By

2009-01-01T19:00:00.003-06:00

I decided last night that I was going to sit down and write my top 3 “Phrases To Live By” but as I was trying to decide which ones I would pick, it turns out that I really have a lot that I focus on regularly. No phrase being much more important than another and each being a phrase I have heard or created for myself (or a situation) at various times in my life. Usually in the harder times when I grew the most as an adult and sometimes right after a very difficult time of growing & change when everything in my world looked and smelled glorious!
So here are my top 30.

Favorite Phrases To Live By:

• I love you!
• I am SO happy I married you!
• If you do the same thing you always do you will get the same thing that you always get.
• Act as if and it will become you
• Breathe
• There is a moment in many situations where the best thing to do is the thing you most fear. It is genuinely good to know what you have.
• I am worthy
• Always do your best.
• If you are mean and don’t like your life or the world, it is a blessing that you walk away.
• There is no question you will succeed with all that you most desire.
• Excitement and fear are the same feeling one just has a more positive spin.
• I adore you.
• Some people are always looking for Gods approval before they act because they aren’t naturally inclined to be good natured without God as the excuse.
• Good morning babeeee.
• If I’m going to be forgiving later, I should just do it now.
• Suck it in.
• I am beautiful
• I can do anything in this life that I desire there are certain things I simply choose not to do.
• Everything matters somehow.
• We choose most of the situations & events in our lives.
• A prayer is a fervent wish of what already IS.
• I don’t know what is going to happen but I’m really excited to find out!
• The unknown is life’s version of excitement and should not be missed.
• There is nothing wrong in this moment.
• I know I can do it.
• If I could be with you right now I would HUG you!
• “Because you are afraid,” isn’t a good enough excuse not to do anything. (as long as it doesn’t involve possibly ending your life)
• Courage means being horribly afraid to do something and then to do it anyway.
• If you don’t like something then change it, if it isn’t clean enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, aromatic enough, shiny enough, smart enough, blue enough, new enough, expensive enough, realistic enough, then do something about it; don’t wait for someone else to do it & don’t have your only constructive contribution be your ability to bitch.
• Be someone others can count on.
• If you are always late you are not someone others can count on.
• Isn’t it amazing everything that we went through to get to here?

I’m not much for New Years resolutions.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all about changing (when it is necessary –or fun)
I simply think if you know something needs changing you’ll get around to it when you finally commit to the idea. For me, it is usually when I feel completely fed up with thinking the same things over and over and over. (Seek phrase to live by #3)

Here are the things I am currently focused on for 2009:

• I have to find a way to get in the habit of living healthy.
• I want to be very focused on surrounding myself with things that I think are beautiful or bring me joy or comfort instead of clutter because I had to merely have something.
• I have to get my degree so when I finish my Executive Director in Training program not having it won’t continue to be the one thing holding me back in my career.
• I have to do more romantic things for my husband.
• I have to plan better so we can go on little get a ways more often.
• Nicholas and I have agreed to read one book a week, together, but separately and he wants to journal every day, but I am not sure I want to commit to that yet. I’m thinking about it.

A public service request

2008-12-22T23:01:00.009-06:00

Whats going on with public toilets now a days??

Is there not such a thing as public toilet etiquette?

I pose the question, because it seems that no matter where I go, I must pass stall after stall in a maddening search to find one, that looks decent enough for me to hover over. Just one!
Anymore, I can only actually sit on a public commode if I am intoxicated.

Do you have this same problem?

A pertinent tid-bit to this line of conversation is the fact that apparently, if you are a hoverer, chances are strong you will be unable to fully void. Which is distastefully unhealthy by the way...
But what's a girl to do?

It used to be that (particularly if I picked the first stall) I may have to pass up one or two loathsome toilets when entering a public bathroom. Eww! Still, most of the time, over many years, I have had my pick of adequate facilities, with little exertion in the search- though not anymore!

Frequently I notice that I am scouring public bathrooms to simply find one passable stall and in my opinion, this new occurrence is completely gross.

Whatever happened to Mom's and Dad's teaching their kids to flush?

Don't they do that anymore?

Don't we, as a society flush anymore??

It used to be:
1. wipe
2. flush (and that was pretty reasonable.)

Not tooooo invasive, not asking too much.

Please! Support flushing toilets in your area.

Every little bit helps.

Summary of lunch dicussion with the girls

2008-12-15T19:07:00.004-06:00

Note to self when living in freaky cult:

IF there are regular discussions about mass suicide - get out

WarCraft

2008-12-14T23:46:00.004-06:00

Nicholas was playing World Of Warcraft tonight and he was showing me how this particular spot he was in reminded him of Star Wars Galaxies because there was this looooong drop if he were to jump and after he explained it to me and waited for me to look and acknowledge what he was talking about, his toon did jump and began to fall in slow motion, floating past this beautiful glowing silver tree.

It really was a fantastic looking tree! One that made you sincerely wish that it were real so you stood a chance at being able to stand below it one day, admiring it first hand.

We both thought it was beautiful.

I asked him what it was called and he told me it was named the Broken life tree.

As Nicholas' toon floated on past the sparkly Broken life tree, making the looooong decent downward which I spoke about above, he asked me if I thought that tree was lovely and when I did, he said "see that tree is us. It is. That tree is us."

And I loved it that the tree was US because of the way we thought it was beautiful together~ which is just something else that I love about my husband.

Couple a things...

2008-12-07T23:22:00.005-06:00

I got myself a pork cutlet with mashed potato's and mushroom gravy TV dinner to eat this evening. Nicholas is in Atlantic City tonight and the kids weren't here for the split pea soup I made last night so they just had that.

Picture this: My meal 'dings' in the microwave and as I peel back the cellophane from my steamy dinner I happen to remember the 2 liter of Pepsi Nicholas and I bought. I smile a bit as I excitedly think about how perfectly it is going to go with my tv dinner as only an ice cold Pepsi can! (No pun intended)

When I opened the fridge though, I was greeted with an all too familiar sight!
All but a quarter of an inch of that 2 liter remained on the top shelf as if mocking me.

So I doodled. MUWAHAHAHAHA!

They all look guilty.

Insight from the Knight Kitchen

I pulled the rest of our Thanksgiving leftovers out of the fridge and set them on the counter earlier today.

I didn't clean em' (as you can see) I just pulled them out. Which was, in a sense, meant to (eventually) force my own hand, as I could no longer fully ignore them the same way I could when they were hidden behind closed refrigerator doors.

As I stood staring at the fridge trying to decide who slammed my damn Pepsi, I looked to these dirty tubs with angst and disgust and just as I thought I had better resign myself to cleaning those nasty things out, it occurred to me all at once (the way of epiphanies!) that if I just threw them all out I could replace each and every one of them for no more than $6 bucks!

Thats cheaper than a maid.

Sweet potato bisque

2008-11-27T17:35:00.004-06:00

The Kitchen staff, within the community in which I work, is staffed with Chef's. Not just cooks but actual Chef's that know how to prepare and cook wondrous dishes and scrumptious deserts that put most average day to day cooking to shame.

It only costs $2. for team members to buy a meal from the Kitchen and Managers actually eat for free so I eat there on a pretty regular basis.

Most lunches start with salad and the soup of the day.
For whatever reason, I don't care too much to eat most salads (not all) that I haven't prepared myself. (Don't know why really) We can analyze that at another time. So anyway, I pretty much leave most of the salads alone, but I have gotten in the habit of eating all the different soups.

The soups they make are sooooooooooooooooo incredibly good and different and completely delicious that I have been craving soup when I'm at home on a regular basis. Since I only know how to cook Split Pea, 15 bean and chicken dumpling soup I am generally left choosing between Campbell's and Chunky at our local grocery stores- which isn't even close to the satisfied and deeply nourishing feeling I get when I slowly savor those steamy bowls of soup.

SO, I talked to Nicholas about my new passion and we agreed we would begin a Soup Quest!
Hunting for and preparing new and varied soups.
Which is exactly what we are doing and this was my first attempt: Sweet potato bisque

I was inspired to look up the recipe because it was a soup that I had tried while working one day, that I thought sounded completely disgusting but fell in love with because it was lightly sweet, tangy, smooth and well, just plain awesome.

When it was finished I gave everyone a small bowl to sample (because most of them were eating pizza and hot wings) and I added crackers and made it my dinner.
They were each impressed by how surprisingly good it was and I was just excited that our soup quest is well under way!

Here is the recipe that I followed:

(Except I cheated and used canned sweet potato's which I drained and smooshed for the sake of immediate gratification)

Ingredients:
8 sweet potatoes, peeled and diced
5 cups chicken stock
small pinch ground nutmeg
2 sticks cinnamon, crushed
2 cloves
1 tablespoon maple syrup (or more to taste)
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup Dry Sack sherry
salt and pepper to taste
whipped cream for garnish

Directions: Bring chicken stock, sweet potatoes, maple syrup and spices to a simmer. Simmer until sweet potatoes can be easily crushed. Puree and return to simmer. Add cream and sherry, return just barely to a simmer. Adjust seasonings with salt, pepper and more maple syrup to taste. Strain and serve, garnished with whipped cream and dash of cinnamon.

It was completely AWESOME!
Give it a try!

My day in pictures

2008-11-08T00:05:00.038-06:00

I didn't photograph how peaceful our bed looked as I climbed into it for something like a 3 hour nap early this afternoon before I showered and ventured back out into the world.

I was the third car in line making a left hand turn onto a divided side street over by the Palazzo movie theatre because I was heading to the bank which shares the same parking lot. The sun was at an odd angle I guess because the first two cars completely missed the left where they should have turned and instead turned on the left side of the median- which meant they were driving the wrong way down the road. It was really strange looking to me, even more strange that I saw 4 or 5 of the cars behind me followed them instead of me onto the wrong side of the road?
Psychos.

As I was beginning to make my turn to get where I was going I could see they were all making swift left hand turns into the other bank parking lot and got turned around I guess.
But anyway, I didn't take any pictures of that either.

After I dropped Raechel off for her Youth Group Retreat thing, it was getting pretty dark so I didn't take pictures of dropping Aspen at her friends house to help babysit or stopping at Hen House to buy a magazine so that when it turned out Panera Bread was already closed I would have something to read while I was at Kobe Steak and Sushi over a bowl of combination fried rice or when I picked Aspen back up and came home to talk with Nicholas before he went to bed for the night.

My day wasn't exactly exciting or very eventful or anything like that but examining different moments in my day through the lens of my camera put it all in a little bit different prospective for me. Pausing in the chill air to try and capture a photo of a tree that struck me as beautiful in one of our neighboring yards put a slower spin on my day and I appreciated the slow down.
I have a very good life. Even when I'm missing my husband on a slow day off. Life is very good.

Talkin' Dirty

2008-11-06T23:14:00.016-06:00

----------------
Now playing: Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
via FoxyTunes

A few days ago Nicholas and I were talking about the way we love all of the events of our earliest meetings with one another, our earliest conversations and all of the events that brought us step by step by step by step to where we are today.

There were certain things that attracted me to him and kept me completely fixated.

The first thing of course,

(since we met online)

was his writing.

Not the fact that he could write.

It was his style.

His brilliance!

The things he talked about and the words that he picked piqued my curiosity to find out who the man behind the keyboard was.

And then I did.

<--- Oh, that doesn't really belong. lol-

Then it was the way being near him felt sooo familiar as if he were created just for me, right down to the very smell of him.

For me, it still is "that" today.

He is still completely smelly perfect.

Now, he does pick some pretty snazzy cologne but it wasn’t that which I’m talking about and it was that too, mixed with the smell of his warm skin under my nose.

The pure perfection of him.

I have spent many moments through many months and several years resting my nose on the skin of his arm or his chest or his head trying to sniff up every bit of the wonderful smell of HIM.

I know you know what I mean.

I could have made a career of loving him and been a blissfully content woman.

I can look back on things in our relationship I loved then and see how it evolved into how I love feeling now.

59 months later.

Today will be our 59’th monthiversary.

And he is in Florida *#@!

and I am here at home -Nickless- at the end of one of the worst and longest weeks I have had in a really long time and I think that completely sucks. *sniffle*

I'm not grumbling because he is in Florida.

I'm just grumbling because I miss him.

(Also due in large part to some hard core pms.. which is equally unfair)

Who knows?

This week may not even have been as bad as I think it was- it could all have been a hormonal illusion right?

The one bright spot in the middle of these tre-suck days is the few minutes I get to hear him talking to me about what is going on in his life and how he misses and loves me and I'm afraid I'm not hiding my fatigue too well.

59!

Monthiversary’s are what we have celebrated in both big and small ways on the 7’th of every single month since we started dating.

I had (embarrassingly) actually thought it was our 60’th monthiversary this month but quickly came to realize that I must have become fouled up somewhere along the line because 60 months equals 5 years and 5 years for us will officially be on December 7’th, 2008.

Which goes to show how truly lame my Math skills really are.

So anyway- prior to having the great revelation which I just shared, above, I had an idea to Google “60 months” and see what all would come up.

The first thing that came up was :

60 months= 5 years

(Hence my revelation)

Then, I typed in 59 months. Nothin fun.

Then (pipe in music)

I typed in December 7 and came upon i n f o r m a t i o n that for my avid followers will be as interesting and mind boggling as it was for me…. although the significance may not hit you all at once.

Give it a moment.

What Google produced for me was this:

December 7 is the 341st day of the year (342nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 24 days remaining until the end of the year.

December 7 is the 341st day of the year (342nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 24 days remaining until the end of the year.

Hrm………

341………. I thought to myself.

And in my usual style

My next thought was:

3 + 4 + 1 = 8

I was really surprised!

I had made such a big deal about the “8’s” in our wedding date -

http://alix-righthereathome.blogspot.com/2008/08/found-it.html

not even really knowing why 8 would be significant to us anyhow … (?)

and I hadn’t even realized the absolute perfection of the way it all came together until just that very moment on our 59 mothinversary eve and it made me feel good to find it out!

So what does this all mean?????

LOL!

Nothing really I spose, except for meaning that I am crazy about my husband.

And I miss him and can't wait to have him back home.

Tomorrow I'm going to do something pleasing to me.

I don't know what but I intend to spend the day doing things that feel good to me because

1. This week has sucked and even if it hadn't it would still be the right thing to do!

2. In honor of our 59 monthiversary (insert big kissy lips)

((my husband is also incredibly good at finding awesome pictures of luscious kissy lips))

3. So I am more entertaining to talk to.

A very important trait in a woman.

2008-11-01T00:00:00.003-05:00

The other morning on my way in to work I was listening to 93.3

My daughters are the ones that tuned it to this particular radio station. Not me.

I don’t ever really care too much what it is I am listening to in the morning anyway.

Through my early morning haze, I have managed to notice two things about this station though.

For one, right now they have a drawing every morning and call out people’s names who have sent in one of their bills that they want the radio station to pay for them. I keep thinking that it is probably worth the effort to sign up and request for them to pay one of my bills…. and maybe when I stop blogging I will google their web site and actually go sign up. Instead of merely thinking about it.

I can be such a procrastinator.

The other thing that I have noticed is they seem to be trying to turn their morning “show” into a talk show. Each morning they ask a trivia question and then based either on the question/answer itself or something that comes up during the guessers calls they then encourage callers to call in and share their opinions about the topic.

A couple mornings ago they asked the question: What is the number one thing parents are worried about this Halloween???

Folks called in guessing at the answer.

I thought to myself crassly- “I’m just worried about whether or not I will be able to take my day off Friday….” *grumble grumble*

The answer to that trivia question was that parents are most concerned with the risqué outfits their too young children are going to wear this Halloween.

It was at the point in which the lady caller answered the question correctly that folks were invited to call in and share their thoughts about the Halloween costumes available out there for our children to wear.

Without rehashing every comment made between Aspen’s school and my home and then again (once I was dressed) they were still talking about it from our home to my office.

Some of the comments went like this:

“Back in our day if we dressed like THAT we were considered whores and sluts!”

*guffaw*

“I know right?”

“My mother would never have let me out of the house in an outfit like that!”

“It is the parents responsibility to teach their daughters correctly how they will be perceived by society if they dress like THAT and shame on parents who purchase these outfits anyway.”

As I take a moment to gag back my vomit (excuse me) I have to say that some people are just really dumb.

Now if we are talking about risqué outfits for little teeny girls here.

Yea ok, no parent in their right mind should be buying crap like that for their little girl to wear. Further, if they are going to, then at least they won’t be heard bitching on a talk show about the inappropriateness of their costume buying decision. No.

I don’t think they were talking about little teeny girls though because I can’t remember the last time that I have I heard an adult refer to a second or third grade girl as a slut or a whore.

So then this is the part that bothers me.

I can vividly remember dressing up for Halloween and Halloween parties in particular, as a teenager.

I can say with all confidence that I was not the only girl that looked like a slutty whore.

In FACT I feel confident that the very idea behind dressing up for Halloween parties was to figure out a way to look about as whorish as you possibly could, while pulling off some sort of a theme, and still be able to pass through Mom & Dad’s front door to get to the party.

Which is, in retrospect, why we always tried to get ready at someone else’s house- with someone else’s parents, who always had much less to say about how we looked. It was always easy to find those parents that really didn’t give a crap what we looked like or what we did.

I am not one of those parents.

Still-

give me a break people!

All other arguments aside; completely ignoring the fact that all those women calling into the show and indeed running the show have probably dawned at least one slutty looking outfit in their day. At least once.

You only get to be that kind of young once.

For one reason or another (most likely esteem related not parental) some people never even get to truly enjoy being that kind of young, and it’s a shame since you spend the whole rest of your life aging.

Most of the girls that are lucky enough to flaunt around their petite little frames only get to enjoy them for a short time before babies and binges take over their hips and breasts transforming them (though certainly not ruining them completely)

forever.

Isn’t that right fella’s?

When you are out of school and you have a nice job you can only look like a slut to go out to the bar and isn’t that a lovely sight?

So all of you radio snobs and “uber Mom’s” should really get a grasp on reality.

I’m not suggesting that you sit back and allow the tainting of your young daughters to take place without a bit of a struggle- but at some point you have to get realistic about what it really means to be a strong parent.

Sometimes the “strength” everyone if referring to comes from not fearing every experience your daughter has, not fearing their boobs and not fearing their self expression and finding a way to breathe through it all but even if you never really do find that happy balance- drop the nasty labels.

They are very unladylike.

J. L. Spears pregnant again... fact or fiction?

2008-10-18T22:59:00.011-05:00

Tonight I have been reading some "real life" ghost stories.

That lady pictured above is Anne Boleyn. (For those of you who didn't recognize her, of course)

One of the many stories about poor old philandering Anne is that she revisits Blickling Hall every May on the anniversary of her death. (I noticed Blickling is an exceedingly nice word to say btw.)

She arrives at Blickling Hall driven by a headless horse and carriage driver and carries her blood dripping head in her hand with her whenever she comes........

I read another story about the ghosts that haunt our own White House.

Apparently President's Lincoln and Jackson, Dolley Madison and some other famous folks are believed to haunt the White House still today!

Which pretty much means that the souls of these folks have nothing better to do with their after life than to walk around trying to save their flower gardens or their old bedrooms or carrying around their bloody heads???

Well here :
1. http://science.howstuffworks.com/5-real-haunted-houses.htm
2. http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=95431

Light reading.

Now this place is cool!

The Winchester Mystery House.

3. http://mysteryhouse.blogspot.com/

I would like to go on a tour there one day! Woo Hoo!
From what I read you can have a night tour on Halloween night or any Friday the 13'th!

I have to go watch Sarah Palin on SNL.
Now thats scary!

Doo dee dooo deee.

Nicholas noticed we were missing it.

I understand and respect my Father's reasons for liking McCain, I can also respect his reasons for not liking Obama but I cannot fathom how he could respect Sarah Palin. Hrmph.

http://www.swamppolitics.com/news/politics/blog/2008/10/sarah_palin_hotter_in_person_b.html

Whatever.

O.My.Garsh.... no title no water pump no key. ummm...... yea

2008-09-27T22:54:00.001-05:00

91' Ford SHO--price reduced - $750

Reply to: sale-857999171@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-09-27, 9:49PM CDT

1991 ford taurus SHO+ Plus model. NOW TO START IT DONT HAVE A TITLE BUT I HAVE THE NUMBER FOR THE GUY SO HE CAN GET IT.

its a fixer upper but drives reliable. 5spd, Dark Green, clutch good, alternator good, radiator new, painted rims. it may need a water pump but besides that it runs great. It gets a lil hott(hince the waterpump) but i drove it from liberty to shawnee and back about every other day and it worked fine. a/c has leak(i know what hoses) but jus havent had time to replace them. 159xxx miles, comes with custom underglow for the car(a 75$+). dont have keys(as i lost them somewhere in my yard)but it still starts.

if any other questions email me about them. I NEED THIS ASAP AS I FOUND OUT MY GIRL IS PREGNANT AND I NEED A MORE SUITABLE FAMILY CAR.

my number is 816-308-7756(i prefer text) but if you call please leave a messege as i dont pick up numbers i dont know(no offense)!

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d8/Tricky0/IMG_0405.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d8/Tricky0/IMG_0414.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d8/Tricky0/IMG_0406.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d8/Tricky0/IMG_0410.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d8/Tricky0/SeanCaroverheat004.jpg
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d8/Tricky0/Photo-0064.jpg

Reflecting With Pictures & Words

2008-09-21T17:07:00.003-05:00

It is startling to realize that I am, perhaps, in the middle of my life.

I have decided that I am pretty sure there must be a Beginning,,,, Beginning Middle,,, End Middle,,,,, Beginning End,,, and then End End,,, to a person’s life. When lived long that is.

Which,

(if in fact that is so)

puts me at about the middle of my Beginning Middle- probably like right smack in the middle, which means in like 15 or 20 more years I will be somewhere in End Middle.

Weird.

Sure it sounds like my imminent End End isn’t lurking right around the corner- but it is the first time in my life I have considered where I am in my life, and to truly weigh the value of my life truly decide how I am measuring my successes and failures throughout my life and to acknowledge to myself just how short even a really long life is.

My life seems sooooooo much more life a GIFT now than it ever has before in my life.

I think that is interesting.

Things are moving so fast!

My kids are getting big—and they are leaving!

Leaving.

I am COMPLETELY divided about this on the inside of myself, one part of me wanting to jump in the middle (of what?) digging my heels into the ground barking STOP!

*sniffle*

The other half of me-

a little excited,

a little curious,

quiet.

But it’s ok… it’s a good quiet.

For a while now I have been starting to dream a new dream. Starting to glimpse a picture of my life lived more often at the pace Nicholas and I live at when it is only he & I and I think it feels good.

It’s a scary thought, because it’s a new thought, but a good, exciting, crispy crunchy thought too.

In recent years I have been starting to embrace the idea that I can live my life more intentionally and that planning things out doesn’t make me “boring and predictable” like I have always thought it somehow did- being prepared actually allows me the freedom to know when it is alright for me to relax my mind.

I used to always fly by the seat of my pants. I have for most of my life actually and I have really enjoyed it and been excited by running full speed into the unknown.

In the last few years though, in ways little and big, I have begun to realize the ways in which it no longer suits me to do that- mainly, because I end up missing out on a lot of things that I wouldn’t have to if I had just known in advance and taken the time to have a plan.

No smooth edges

2008-09-08T07:47:00.000-05:00

I have recently realized that it is very difficult to be a “people pleaser,” in crowds.

LOL!

Ok-

Even in, simply, a small group of people.

If you are the type of person that is a true people pleaser, to the extent in which you are only truly satisfied by yourself if the people around you are content with, what is going on around them- then, it can be extremely stressful to be around several people at one time, (people that aren’t always happy with each other) and try to bring them happiness.

Actually it gets kinda hectic.

It’s easier to share an exchange of true happiness one person at a time.

Some people are just better in small doses.

Even sometimes, they are the very people that you dearly and truly love.

People that individually are the easiest people for you to be around; but it’s a lot harder in groups.

That’s one thing that I really love about my relationship with Nicholas. There’s usually just no stress involved. Being with him is the easiest and most natural thing that I do besides to just be by myself.

Laying next to him, with his arms pulling me up tight and close to him, in the moonlight falling through our bedroom window and I feel so happy I just have to giggle out loud and I do and I do again then that cracks me up and I love my life.

It was August 28, 2008

2008-08-29T21:46:00.007-05:00

So we got married yesterday.

I feel different because now I am officially WIFE.
I feel different because now when I refer to him as my HUSBAND he actually IS.
I feel excellent as I look through the beginnings of our pictures and see how beautiful we are.

We are perfectly together.

One womans heart

2008-08-26T09:14:00.004-05:00

I truly enjoy serving my man.

Some women don’t, and that’s "ok" for them, grrrreat for them; but I do.

I like to hand him the fork that will nourish him.

I like to anticipate his need for a napkin!

As I fold the napkin between my fingers and hand it to him I visualize what it is going to feel like as it brushes over his mouth and cheeks. Lucky little napkin.

Some women feel that to serve their man is to be subservient and lowers themselves and that in itself is good reason for them not to do it! (If you ask me)

I don’t feel that way at all.

I hate folding laundry, HATE it, but not his.

I love to touch the things that will touch him, I LOVE him and I love to think loving thoughts as I fold or hang the shirts that will hang off his shoulders. Shoulders that are there to love me and keep me warm and hold me close and offer me protection. I don't need to be protected but I need his shoulders. .. shoulders that belong to a real man, a strong man, a man to admire; and I do.

I don’t bunch socks, I refuse, I throw them in a laundry basket and don’t think to them again, he knows that- but once in a while I’ll bunch some for him since I know he hates rummaging through the sock basket trying to find matches.

As I stack them in his drawer I think to myself how he knows I don’t do socks, he knows it and he may look at that little pile of bunched up socks in his drawer and feel loved every single morning until they run out, because I took the time to bunch them up and put them there for him.

I also think to myself that even if he doesn’t feel the way I mentioned whenever he opens his sock drawer, I will.

I will.

And it feels beautiful to love someone like that.

I want him to feel really good.

Some women don’t think it is important for their man to feel good, they actually feel threatened somehow by him feeling good about himself and that’s fine for them but I know better.

I know that the best man to be with is a healthy, fulfilled, loved and happy (sexy) man (gotta have sexy) who doesn’t second guess himself or those around him but is filled with the assurance of his following- filled with the assurance that his dreams are important.

That is the kind of man I share my life with!

Some women are just missing out on all the fun.

Is this not rediculous? -OR- Ewwww?

2008-08-11T23:47:00.004-05:00

Free lotion (Overland Park)

Reply to: 77654558@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-11, 2:05PM CDT

I have a TRAVEL size bottle of Jergens Ultra Healing lotion that I do not need any longer. It says it's 1 ounce but I would guess there is half a tube left. I bought another kind and do not need this, but I hate to throw it away. Thanks!

(Brought to you via copy/paste straight from Craigslist freebies- Kansas City!)

FOUND IT!

2008-08-02T00:00:00.008-05:00

On the morning of July 30'th, year 2008 I entered my closet to open our "vault" in order to review the important July/August events of our early relationship because when we were chatting in the dark before falling asleep we were trying to pin point what of importance had actually occurred between us on July 28'th- which it turns out, after review, was pretty much nothing other than me asking him out.

But the 27'th! Ah, July 27' th!

Now that was the day we met face to face at the KCSingles BBQ event at Shawnee Mission Lake which is why I was asking him to meet me for coffee on July 28'th. ;)

Our "vault" is a thick notebook (pictured above) that is filled with all of the emails N and I shared during our first year of dating. I also printed off year 2 and 3 but haven't printed (nor deleted) any since then and so my current N INbox and SENT box combined, needing to be printed is somewhere around 8000 emails.

At any rate, when I opened our vault what did I see laying on top?
Our AIR SICK BAG!

Man!

I haven't been able to find it and have been looking for it everywhere, for months now!

Here it is:

Now, what IT is: The air sick bag is what I used to write on after the epiphany I had about how to figure out what our wedding date should be- the moment I opened the door from the airplane bathroom on a business flight I was taking to Texas several months ago.

We are getting married on a Thursday evening and everyone wants to know why.
Our air sick bag is why.

Here is how it began: We wanted to have a date that was significant to our relationship but we wanted to have our wedding in the spring or summer time. Our monthiversary is always on the 7'th of the month, so that would have been perfect, but my Mom and Dad left for Italy on June 6'th which wiped out the month of June and then my girls spend the summer with their Dad which knocked out both July and August 7'th. (Actually they are coming back a little earlier this year, so the 7'th would have worked, but I couldn't have known that then and I'm hardly ready now anyhow. )

SO anyway, the challenge was to come up with a significant date during these months, and there simply wasn't one.

Insert: Glorious Air Sick Bag!

So here is the break down lest I never have to try and remember it all to explain it again:

1. At the time of initiation it was nearly our 4 year anniversary, (48 months) so based on that upcoming significant event I wrote down the date:

12 07 07

I added those numbers together

1+2+7+7 = 17

2. But 17 is a double number so you have to add it together again to get a single number- which I did.

1+7 = 8

Thats how I got the month of August (8)

3. Then I thought "Hrmmm.... I wonder how many months it'll be from our anniversary until August?"

So I counted it up and from December to August was 8 months

4. So I added the 8 months between December & August, plus our 48 months anniversary
(see #1)

48+8 =56

5. But 56 is a double number so I had to break it down to a single number

5+6 = 11

6. But, you guessed it, 11 is a double number so I had to break it down too.

1+1 =2
Thats where I got the number 2 in our wedding date from.

7. Then I wrote our first and middle names as they will be when we are married.
For me, when I get married my maiden name becomes my middle name.

8. So Nicholas had 12 letters (1+2= 3)

9. I had 14 (1+4=5)

I took both of our numbers and put them together

35

3+5 = 8

Thats where I got the other 8 from and now I had our wedding date because I knew we were getting married in 2008.

10. Then, just to "check" myself, (as if I actually could) or out of curiosity since I had been diddling with all of these mysterious numbers I decided to see what I would get if I added up our date.... so I did.

8+2+8+08 = 26

11. Which of course is a double number, so you know what to do-

2+6= 8

Which somehow just seemed really right to me.

12. Then I looked up the date and it turned out is was a Thursday- who gets married on a Thursday? No one apparently, but I thought to myself that if I went to that length to find a date of significance for us to marry each other on, and found one, we should just do it that day and not wait for a Saturday and so thats just what we did!

One thing that July 28'th DID represent was the exactly one month until our wedding count down. Every day since then it has been less than a month until we are getting married.

WOW!

And there you have it.

AN ODE TO TEXAS : Notice my cool photography Dad! Taken yet again from my Olympus FE-100.. eat your heart out :)

2008-08-01T20:23:00.011-05:00

Went to Texas this week for work.
Houston to be exact.
I went with my bossS and one of my co managers, "B" because we had a conference to go to.
We rented a Garmin GPS when we picked up our rental car to help us get around.
It would have been an excellent tool had I been able to find the "Enter Address" option sooner.

Ummm - yah.

The three of us had frozen margaritas at Chili's and retired back to our hotel rooms. Mine had a HUGE bed with a posh down comforter that looked lumpy from a distance and would have been so much more fun if N was there to enjoy it with me- but we chatted on the phone together he and I and that wasn't bad. I'm happy for technology.

One thing I didn't "get" about being in Texas was the lack of air conditioning....
What the hell?
I really didn't understand it at all.
It seemed like in the appendages of every building I was in there was nothing but stuffy Texas heat. That also included our airplane and a long delay we shared together on our runway waiting to get to Dallas.

Highlights of my trip:

We all caught not one but 2 stand by flights and got home probably 3 hours earlier than we were supposed to!

My co-manager "B" passing the air sick bag down to my bossS every time the turbulence scared her a little bit.

My bossS telling us that she noticed there were 4 holes in the wall in her room where a picture should have been hung, it was creepy and she was afraid someone might be watching her through them.. but then she figured out there were little peg things in each of the holes and felt better about it.

Playing Guitar Hero on the DS when we were finally allowed to turn our electronics on and getting a bad score because I haven't played for a few weeks and then loudly grumbling "Argh!#*%" (not swearing, just grumbling) but having B and BossS think I didn't know I was being (a little) loud, or could hear them with my headphones in and so doing it again "ARGH&#!" while they squirmed in their seats saying, shhhhh your being loud.... (hehe) I'm a rebel.

We were a little lost trying to find the locale for our conference but we thought maybe we found it even though the address didn't match up. B was driving and she pulled up to the door telling me to hop out and see if we were in the right spot- which I did. As I went to pull the door open I found out the doors were not only automatic, but opened very quickly with a little gust of (surprisingly) air conditioned air (I work for a good company) which blew my hair back dramatically as I stood there int he door. It all startled me, particularly the doors, so I just sort of stood there with my hair blowing back as the doors opened the rest of the way, but there were folks there at the front desk and they were staring at me SO- I smiled BIG, spread my arms and said "ta da!" which made them (and me) laugh and they confirmed we had indeed found the spot we were looking for.

Comical Low Lights:

SO, B and I drove together to the airport. I parked the car, pulled my brief case and my little over night carry on out of the trunk, sling my purse over my shoulder and start to shut the trunk and all of a sudden I gasp, mid-trunk-shut as I realize that they are going to count my purse as another bag- so I can't take it. Argh!
There I am quickly trying to transfer my important purse stuff into my overnight bag, while stuffing important things like my wallet and my boarding pass and my gum into places where I'll be able to find it all. ACK!
All of a sudden I went from the cool traveler woman which I AM to a scattered woman.
Totally.
Scattered.
Egads.
I start to walk away and B points out that my car door is still open, (ARGH) I shut it and freak momentarily because I'm not sure where I stuck my keys... long story short, eventually I have it all together and we walk away from my car and into the terminal where as we pass through security I break the nail on my right middle finger which I grumble about to the female security guard who smiles at me knowingly until I hold the finger up for her inspection and say:
"It's not like it's a big deal... it's just that now I have a weapon."

I realized what I was saying as soon as I was saying it, sometimes I can really be a dip shit, but the security guard raised her eyebrows, smiled, and I put my shoes on and headed to find my bossS. Finally there I recap for my bossS the events from car to terminal, B is nodding her head, rolling her eyes and confirming it all as I talk and goes on to tell more about my disorganization as I sigh and pull out my phone to call N, phone to my ear and then on my shoulder until I could get situated I bent over looping my arm through the handles of my brief case and stood to swing it over my shoulder and as I did that both of the back straps on either side of the bag snap and it all falls to the ground.

The man sitting in front of us, who had heard/evesdropped on my original story to bossS says : Is she really riding on this plane?

God....

When we stopped in Dallas B tried to "help" (mock) my plight with my brief case by tying the two remaining handles in a knot for me so that I could once again hold my brief case on my shoulder. Which I did for a while, though every time I turned my head one of the stray strap ends would rub against my cheek. (But I thought that was funny)

24 hours later when we were going back through Dallas and bossS was getting our boarding passes -to my surprise- the other two straps suddenly snapped off!
We all laughed as I crammed the faulty straps into the nearest trash can and carried my brief case the rest of the trip like a girl carries her books through the hall between classes and since I have arms and legs that still work perfectly, all was good in my world.

I was soooooooooooooooo wrong!

2008-07-27T11:23:00.002-05:00

Red Lobster Caesar Salad Dressing

3 anchovies
1 teaspoon chopped garlic
2 teaspoons red wine vinegar
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 coddled egg yolk
5 dashes Worcestershire sauce
1/2 squeezed lemon
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup parmesan cheese

Using a medium size wooden salad bowl, mash and spread the anchovies and the garlic with a fork and rub the inside of the bowl with it.

Add the vinegar and mustard, blend thoroughly.

Using the fork, add the olive oil and the coddled (meaning to cook in simmering water for 1 minute) egg yolk.

Mix together and add the Worcestershire, lemon, pepper and parmesan cheese.

Note: Just a reminder, you add the lettuce & croutons to the dressing, not the other way round. Toss the salad until everything is coated with the dressing then serve in individual bowls. Red Lobster adds a lobster claw to their salad.

Source: Red Lobster Restaurant's recipe collection at www.redlobster.com

2008-07-25T07:45:00.012-05:00

Sometimes love is mylar balloons

Bouncing

around

above

me

First over the bed and now on the chair over my head

>kiss<

Sometimes love is getting 2 of just what you asked for, plus footy socks and fuzzy slippers with pom-pom balls, a wonderful plush, green, full body towel just for me, (!) an air freshener, lovely picture, funny card and a really cute bag~ but if any one ever asked you about love ahead of time, you wouldn't have thought to say it was all of that.

Sometimes, love is the perfect comforter with matching pillow cases spread perfectly to display everything else with the first thing you see being your lover sitting in a chair in front of it all, but especially you, eagerly smiling, full faced and excited that your finally home to see all the thought and love they put into what they did for you.

After all, love is definitely all about having a safe place to plant your heart AND a perfectly formed pillow with which to do it!
(matching case included)

Love was made for discussions over crab dip and chips
or
maybe crab dip and chips was inspired by love?

Either way, it's certain that Red Lobster DOES use fish in their Caesar Salad.
Dammit.

It can be difficult to be wrong at any time of your life.

But it's good to be 38.

Someone Who Mattered

2008-07-20T16:50:00.004-05:00

I just talked to my daughter and through hysterical sobs she told me that her Aunt Kori has just died and I feel really badly that she has. I haven't talked to Kori in many years, something like 11 I guess, since I got divorced, and I haven't missed her or really wanted to talk to her during most of the time that has passed.

That is, until this past year when I heard through the girls that she got sick and it was obvious she would not be getting better- then I started thinking about her and wondering about her and empathizing for the deep painful hurt she must feel over the unchangeable events of her life that were coming to pass and there were moments where I really wanted to call, but I didn't want to call too and so I didn't.

There were many moments through listening to the girls talk through their concerns with her sickness that I put my heart in her spot and thought about how much it would hurt to be so sick and dying at this still early part of life, leaving your kids and your husband and your family and your life and unable to stop it now that it has all gone so far, even though this should have been one of the greatest times of her life- finally watching all of your hard work come together in the form of a young adult whom you have raised and greatly loved, racing off to the adventure of their own lives and the excitement of the new life you and your husband get to have now, just the two of you while your kids chase their dreams...

What a shame.

Kori wasn't ever somebody that I would have been fast friends with, she wasn't, she was a little intimidating to me, I thought she was kindof mean to my brother in law, (whom I respected a lot for his kindness) when she didn't have to be, and the way she drank and acted sometimes made me feel uncomfortable, sometimes. I wondered if it was 'ok' to write that, but I think it is. When I first heard that she was sick I felt reeeeally angry to hear it had all gone so far, angry for her family and for her and angry for the ugly last days and feelings that would now become a part of my own children's existence but what is the point of feeling angry with someone you don't even know and an unchangeably sad situation. So instead, I just wondered.

Still, at one time Kori was somebody who I spent time with, empathized with, struggled near, confided in, listened to and cared about what happened in her life and to her children who I also cared about and now know only through their struggles, as I have her. At one time in our lives I knew her through each of my pregnancies and births, I shared babysitting with her and gossiped with her, cooked Thanksgiving for her, her friend drove me to the emergency vet when our dog got hit by a car and needed to have his leg amputated and I felt comfortable sitting on her couch in my socks with no shoes and helping myself to ice from her freezer without asking, back when we lived close together and called each other family and were up to date on the events of each others lives.

I guess thats what I wanted to say, I just wanted to say to nobody in particular, that Kori was just a couple years older than me, with just as many kids as me and she was someone I knew at one time, in fact, she was my sister in law, and even though we weren't best friends or even likely friends at the time, rather, we were thrown together by happenstance and even though we haven't spoken in 11 years and I really hadn't cared to, Kori was a woman who mattered to my life a long time ago and it matters to me today that she has died, even if it doesn't make much sense that it would and I wish she could have lived a much longer, stronger and happier life and I'm sorry that my children no longer will tell me they "went to visit Aunt Kori and Uncle Ray this weekend," and I'm deeply sorry for her husband and his family who will miss her so much.

OVER SALAD

2008-07-19T22:41:00.005-05:00

So we are eating lunch at Red Lobster and the waiter brings us all out our salads.

Meg and Ash get Caesar salads and Nicholas and I get the regular salads, him with Blue Cheese and me with Ranch. A couple of bites in and the conversation goes like this:

Ash: Is there fish in Caesar salad?

Nicholas and I: Wha? No, no.

Me: Why?

Ash (matter of factly with a shrug) : I was just wondering what kind of fish there is in Caesar salad cuz my breath always smells like fish after I eat it.

Nicholas and I (lauhing loudly) : There's NO fish in Caesar salad!

Meg: Mom says there is.....

MEmercials!

2008-07-12T11:25:00.013-05:00

It is amazing to me the way this particular scrunching spray can re-create with your nose hairs, a frosty, well below freezing morning just by accidentally inhaling slightly as you spray your hair....

It is my opinion that Aussie Scrunching Spray works a lot better than most regular hair sprays at freezing your hair in place... and isn't that what we are going for?

Dean & Deluca

I love shopping at Dean & Deluca!

I was just there buying our dinner, like, a day ago- and as I strolled out to my car in the warm dusky sunshine- simple, crisp white Dean & Deluca bag with two, clean, paper wrapped roast beef sandwiches topped by horseradish sauce, sharp cheddar cheese and several big chunks of zuchini squash gingerly nestled between two pieces of rosemary and olive oil bread inside, swaying back and forth with my stride....

Past lovely people, couples mostly, quietly picnicking at the little round tables that are sprinkled around Dean & Deluca with a light breeze blowing relaxing waves through the tree's branches that were gently bobbing over head and creating dappled and fleeting shadows on the pavement as I walked; all of which, along with my terrific thirst, inspired my first glorious sip of blueberry tea. Ahhh.

Blueberry tea.

Finger tips to door handle I paused to take it all in, just a moment longer, before swinging my bag into the front seat and retiring to my own seat to sip more blueberry tea from above my steering wheel.

Looking out the windshield at the swaying branches and sunlight playing off the heads of the quiet people in front of me- this is what I thought:

"EVERYTHING is sooo over priced at Dean & Deluca-
MAN!

It's really funny to me that I don't mind paying $30. for 2 sandwiches and a 12 ounce bottle of tea.

It's the wrappers....

Has to be.

The plainly wrapped specialty items call out to me as if they were designed just for me and even though I am paying $5. for a plastic bottle of blueberry tea, I walk out feeling really good about myself anyway and I savor every expensive drop that I feel good about buying."

LOL!

Nicholas got us tickets to go and see Missy Higgins for my Birthday.
It's not my Birthday yet and the concert is after my Birthday but it is an EXCELLENT Birthday present! We saw Missy Higgins playing live at Homers music store in Omaha. She was playing a key board and singing to a small crowd and we were just getting ready to head back home so I bought her cd and we listened to it most of the way home and have loved her ever since and I am VERY excited to get to go to her concert! If you haven't checked her out yet- you should!

Forecast is: Avocado BLISS!

It seems to be yummy avocado season again!

Hoorah!

I am a self proclaimed avocado addict and all of the avocados I have purchased and eaten in the past two weeks have been incredible. They are mellow, with a hearty avocado-y nuttiness when they have reached perfect ripeness that is a state of avocado which I long for during the GOOD avocado droughts throughout most of the rest of the year.

Run buy a beautiful Avocado today! You'll be happy you did~

Positive Mood Tip #62

If you are over weight and want to stay in a positive mood:

DO NOT GO TRY ON CLOTHES THAT YOU THINK MIGHT LOOK CUTE ON YOU.

Just don't.

It'll help.

Positive Mood Tip #63

It turns out if you are overweight and wear a black t-shirt with a large boom box placed directly over your breasts it is actually somewhat slimming.

Try it!

It'll help.

The following are pics of our amazing yard mushroom.
One day it was a little teeny- though perfectly shaped yard mushroom that was growing in a line of mushrooms, just ahead of two others along the side of our house- pretty close to the back yard.

No more than a day later it had blown up into this Grand daddy whomper of a mushroom that I will share with you in the pictures to follow:

Isn't he lovely?

Don't my pictures look professional?

Here, I'll post more~

I was telling Nicholas, that it was too funny to me that when I pulled up into our driveway, home again from my trip to get my eye brows waxed and find the "perfect" little salsa dancing tank top; I saw that there was an adorable baby bunny hiding out from the rain, underneath our amazing yard mushroom.

I had intended for about the past 24 hours to get outside and make sure that I took a picture of our amazing mushroom before it got all shriveldy somehow or we had to mow it up. Imagine my satisfaction at doing so!

Please ignore the tall strands of grass in the picture (by the way) interestingly, the length the grass is actually an illusion created by the amazing mushroom itself; making it look as if our grass is longer than it truly is....

Note in the bottom right picture blow, how the amazing mushroom closely resembles a flying saucer. Unsettlingly close similarity...

There has been a great deal of speculation in recent days that it may be because of this similarity that the amazing mushroom has lassoed the ability to increase the look and texture of ordinary yard grass.

Amazing.

Fact:
When I went outside to take these pictures both of our neighbors across the street and next door were outside and they all said "hello" to me as I carefully made my way around the corner of our house.

Fact: I responded by saying "hello" to all 4 of them and then I told them what I planned to do by taking a picture of our mushroom. I also smiled.

Fact: The neighbors across the street then asked: "Is that a real mushroom?"
To which I responded: "You bet it is."

Something about God that makes sense to me

2008-07-08T21:27:00.004-05:00

"All talk of human beings being one with God and one with each other has been labeled fluffy, "new age," or out of touch with reality. Some have even called it apostasy. We are told that everything that humanity has been taught about God says that God is separate from humanity. God wants to be separate, because humanity in its present form is not worthy of unity with God. That is the teaching. That is the message.

God is Perfect and humanity is imperfect, and the Perfect cannot be united with the imperfect. This is an integral part of most human theologies.

So the imperfect must find a way to be Perfect. Yet that way cannot be found, because perfection is impossible to achieve in human form. Some religions even teach that humans are born in a state of imperfection, and so there is that problem going in. Other faiths say that humans may be born without blemish, but the task is to remain without blemish. All religions agree that on the journey of life there are temptations to which human beings fall prey. And so, perfection is pretty much out of reach for most.

Still, one must try. One must strive. And if one strives for perfection, God will reward that effort with a final act of Grace, rendering the imperfect Perfect Once Again. Then, reunion with God in heaven can be achieved.

This is another simplification, yet it comes very close to summarizing the doctrine of most religions.

And so, there appears to exist a dichotomy. God wants humans-indeed, has caused humans-to be separate from God. Yet God has given humans a "way back home" because What God Wants is for humans not to be separated from God.

Hmmmm.

Now the unaskable question must be asked.

IS this What God Wants?

And the answer is, no.

This answer changes everything. With it, the forward edge of human thought takes on new sharpness, and cutting through confusion becomes possible once again.

God does not want Oneness, with humans or anything else. God ISOneness, and God does not want what God is already experiencing

Human beings claim they want Oneness with God and with other humans. Yet humanity cannot experience what humanity already has if it denies that it has it.

This is the answer to another mystery: Why has it been so hard for the world's people to experience Oneness with God, or with each other?

You cannot experience what you are unwilling to express. You cannot get to where you already are. By the very act of leaving, you deny that you have arrived at where you want to go. Given this belief, you can never experience being there. Your life will become a constant journey. It will be a journey to nowhere. It will be an endless search. A search for what is already there.

Looking for your glasses when they are on top of your head, you'll not find what you are searching for. You'll only find what you are searching for when looking into a mirror.

So far, humanity has not been very good about looking into mirrors. Introspection is not humanitys long suit. Having read this far, you've proven yourself to be the exception.

Why have humans denied their Oneness? Because humans have confused oneness with sameness. We have not understood that no two fingers are alike, even though all are on one hand.

Afraid of losing individuality, desperately fearful of disappearing their own identity, human beings have tenaciously clung to their illusion of separation from each other, from all things in life, and from God. Especially from God. For if humanity is not separate from God, not only do people fear losing their individual identity, oneness with Deity suggests a whole new way of acting, a whole new way of being, for which religions have left humans woefully unprepared.

Yet it is not necessary to prepare yourself to love. Love is what you are, and so, loving comes naturally to you. Stopping yourself from loving is what is hard. Love of everyone and everything in life comes easily when fear of anyone or anything disappears. And fear of anyone or anything disappears when you realize that you don't need anything from anyone or anything, because everything you thought you needed to get from something or someone outside of yourself is available within you.

Now the circle completes itself, and you are Whole. Now, all that you find within you, you can give to others, who may not yet know that they are Whole as well.

Showing another that they are lovable is the fastest way to assist them in finding wholeness, in finding the love that is within themselves. When you love others you quite literally give people back to themselves.

In the end, love and fear are the only feelings there are. Life brings you a constant stream of opportunities to choose between the two."

Written by: Neale Donald Walsch

(Thank you)

For my Madre~

2008-07-06T22:14:00.011-05:00

Because if I post them she will make us lovely flowers....

Bridesmaid dresses - Megs in the middle

This color of the sash/ribbon matches the dangly beads in the clip...

This is the hair clip which I am going to make into a part of my veil.
(As long as doing so won't jack it up)

This is the best shot of it in the light.

For my son.... see? It'll be ok!

2008-06-29T11:11:00.005-05:00

Scientists: Nothing to fear from atom-smasher

By DOUGLAS BIRCH, Associated Press WriterSat Jun 28, 3:08 PM ET

(I think it is toooooo funny that when I posted this story for my son who was feeling a bit paranoid about it at the time I receive a rare and freaky- deaky comment attached to it from "anonymous reader" which blows my whole plan! LOL! Funny little bizarre people....)

The most powerful atom-smasher ever built could make some bizarre discoveries, such as invisible matter or extra dimensions in space, after it is switched on in August.

But some critics fear the Large Hadron Collider could exceed physicists' wildest conjectures: Will it spawn a black hole that could swallow Earth? Or spit out particles that could turn the planet into a hot dead clump?

Ridiculous, say scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research, known by its French initials CERN — some of whom have been working for a generation on the $5.8 billion collider, or LHC.

"Obviously, the world will not end when the LHC switches on," said project leader Lyn Evans.

David Francis, a physicist on the collider's huge ATLAS particle detector, smiled when asked whether he worried about black holes and hypothetical killer particles known as strangelets.

"If I thought that this was going to happen, I would be well away from here," he said.

The collider basically consists of a ring of supercooled magnets 17 miles in circumference attached to huge barrel-shaped detectors. The ring, which straddles the French and Swiss border, is buried 330 feet underground.

The machine, which has been called the largest scientific experiment in history, isn't expected to begin test runs until August, and ramping up to full power could take months. But once it is working, it is expected to produce some startling findings.

Scientists plan to hunt for signs of the invisible "dark matter" and "dark energy" that make up more than 96 percent of the universe, and hope to glimpse the elusive Higgs boson, a so-far undiscovered particle thought to give matter its mass.

The collider could find evidence of extra dimensions, a boon for superstring theory, which holds that quarks, the particles that make up atoms, are infinitesimal vibrating strings.

The theory could resolve many of physics' unanswered questions, but requires about 10 dimensions — far more than the three spatial dimensions our senses experience.

The safety of the collider, which will generate energies seven times higher than its most powerful rival, at Fermilab near Chicago, has been debated for years. The physicist Martin Rees has estimated the chance of an accelerator producing a global catastrophe at one in 50 million — long odds, to be sure, but about the same as winning some lotteries.

By contrast, a CERN team this month issued a report concluding that there is "no conceivable danger" of a cataclysmic event. The report essentially confirmed the findings of a 2003 CERN safety report, and a panel of five prominent scientists not affiliated with CERN, including one Nobel laureate, endorsed its conclusions.

Critics of the LHC filed a lawsuit in a Hawaiian court in March seeking to block its startup, alleging that there was "a significant risk that ... operation of the Collider may have unintended consequences which could ultimately result in the destruction of our planet."

One of the plaintiffs, Walter L. Wagner, a physicist and lawyer, said Wednesday CERN's safety report, released June 20, "has several major flaws," and his views on the risks of using the particle accelerator had not changed.

On Tuesday, U.S. Justice Department lawyers representing the Department of Energy and the National Science Foundation filed a motion to dismiss the case.

The two agencies have contributed $531 million to building the collider, and the NSF has agreed to pay $87 million of its annual operating costs. Hundreds of American scientists will participate in the research.

The lawyers called the plaintiffs' allegations "extraordinarily speculative," and said "there is no basis for any conceivable threat" from black holes or other objects the LHC might produce. A hearing on the motion is expected in late July or August.

In rebutting doomsday scenarios, CERN scientists point out that cosmic rays have been bombarding the earth, and triggering collisions similar to those planned for the collider, since the solar system formed 4.5 billion years ago.

And so far, Earth has survived.

"The LHC is only going to reproduce what nature does every second, what it has been doing for billions of years," said John Ellis, a British theoretical physicist at CERN.

Critics like Wagner have said the collisions caused by accelerators could be more hazardous than those of cosmic rays.

Both may produce micro black holes, subatomic versions of cosmic black holes — collapsed stars whose gravity fields are so powerful that they can suck in planets and other stars.

But micro black holes produced by cosmic ray collisions would likely be traveling so fast they would pass harmlessly through the earth.

Micro black holes produced by a collider, the skeptics theorize, would move more slowly and might be trapped inside the earth's gravitational field — and eventually threaten the planet.

Ellis said doomsayers assume that the collider will create micro black holes in the first place, which he called unlikely. And even if they appeared, he said, they would instantly evaporate, as predicted by the British physicist Stephen Hawking.

As for strangelets, CERN scientists point out that they have never been proven to exist. They said that even if these particles formed inside the Collider they would quickly break down.

When the LHC is finally at full power, two beams of protons will race around the huge ring 11,000 times a second in opposite directions. They will travel in two tubes about the width of fire hoses, speeding through a vacuum that is colder and emptier than outer space.

Their trajectory will be curved by supercooled magnets — to guide the beams around the rings and prevent the packets of protons from cutting through the surrounding magnets like a blowtorch.

The paths of these beams will cross, and a few of the protons in them will collide, at a series of cylindrical detectors along the ring. The two largest detectors are essentially huge digital cameras, each weighing thousands of tons, capable of taking millions of snapshots a second.

Each year the detectors will generate 15 petabytes of data, the equivalent of a stack of CDs 12 miles tall. The data will require a high speed global network of computers for analysis.

Wagner and others filed a lawsuit to halt operation of the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider, or RHIC, at the Brookhaven National Laboratory in New York state in 1999. The courts dismissed the suit.

The leafy campus of CERN, a short drive from the shores of Lake Geneva, hardly seems like ground zero for doomsday. And locals don't seem overly concerned. Thousands attended an open house here this spring.

"There is a huge army of scientists who know what they are talking about and are sleeping quite soundly as far as concerns the LHC," said project leader Evans.

Thinking about our wedding

2008-06-29T10:34:00.013-05:00

I don't mind this photo because my butt doesn't look alllll that big in it...
it looks at least average
and I guess I'm ok with that.

N snapped this photo on our way down to our spot

This one too

Here we are standing at the entrance to OUR path
which of course leads to OUR sacred spot!

N snapped this photo from our actual path..
it looks a lot the same on the other side of the little "bridge"
which is a part of our path.

This is IN our actual spot and is precisely
where Pop, Mom and Dad will be standing.
We were going to have them move the bench but I came to
find that it is cemented to the ground......
so we won't be moving the bench.
We will be standing right in front of it though with Vince
and N's life
long friend Abe
will be off to the left there and my Gramps and Helen
(if they are coming) off to the right.
You probably can't tell but
It's going to be SO GREAT!
You can't really see what the full area is like because this shot
is up close but this is what you
see when you walk straight into our spot from the little path.

N shot this when we were leaving.
He just looked up!

Reception Spot Picked

2008-06-29T10:25:00.003-05:00

I think this is where we are going to have our wedding reception. I made the executive decision this morning about 10:00 am Central time and N approved it within moments thereafter.
What I like about it- aside from the price- (which come on! Is really important.)
is that it is nice and new and clean and it has a HUGE patio which runs the length of the building AND a dance floor. SO- excellent!

Do you ever?

2008-06-28T10:20:00.003-05:00

When I was waiting in the drive through line at Hardee's this morning, I accidentally let my debit card slip off my lap to fall between the seat and the console in my car so that only the corner of the card was sticking up and I had to try and fish it out of there with the tips of my fingers which only proved to shove it further down and out of my reach.

So then I could see my debit card, but now it was flat against the carpet and in a skinny little narrow place which I couldn't comfortably jam my fingers into... I could jam them mind you, but not comfortably.

*&%#@!

When my card got stuck like that I thought to myself that I would just have to wait to get it out when I would be able to actually get out of the car, bend over and have a straight shot to fish it out from under the seat. It was in that moment I asked myself:

"What if this was a life and death situation and the only way I could save my life would be to get that debit card out, from this particular uncomfortable position I am now sitting in?"

Which is a question I tend to ask myself a lot in similarly unimportant situations and I have noticed that I started playing this game a lot with myself since I quit smoking.

This now evolved line of thinking helped me a lot to quit because in moments of distinct weakness my last question of myself was always:

"OK.... sooooooo what? Would I actually DIE if I couldn't have a cigarette?"

On the heels of which I would envision myself pitifully writhing in pain and agony over not having one- the thought of which, in turn, would cause my extremely prideful self to become outraged at the very idea of being so pitifully weak and mentally I would move on; without a cigarette.

I don't need to do that anymore, but at the time, I never would have imagined this way of thinking would have carried on anyway and I rather enjoy it. Today when I did I paused to wonder if other people play this same game with themselves?

In moments when I am ready to give up on a situation I picture myself in a cell or trapped in a chamber or some other ominous situation and I ask myself "What if my life depended on whether or not I could get this card, toothpick, key etc.?"

The answer is always that I would try a lot harder, be a lot more careful, do away with the thought that it could not happen, give up on the thought of getting frustrated, put away the thought that I can't or it can't be done because what is the alternative? It is my life!

It is also interesting to note the way it feels when I really do fail, when I accidentally shove the card too far out of reach with my pinky finger while I am trying to fish it out for example- when I fail and I have to acknowledge to myself that in that particular imaginary instance I was a goner....

A day in the life...

2008-06-20T00:04:00.003-05:00

Tim McGraw
When Tim McGraw debuted in the early '90s, few would have predicted that he would eventually take over Garth Brooks' position as the most popular male singer in country music. Yet that's exactly what he did, thanks to a string of multi-platinum albums, a high-profile marriage to...

Musicians / Bands > Rock, Musicians / Bands > Country, Musicians / Bands

Jason Aldean
Country singer and guitarist Jason Aldean was born in Macon, GA, in 1977. His parents separated when he was three years old, and he spent his childhood with his mother in Macon through the school year while spending the summers with his father in Homestead, FL.

Musicians / Bands > Country

Halfway to Hazard
Halfway to Hazard is a rock-influenced country duo featuring Chad Warrix on vocals, guitar, and mandolin and David Tolliver on vocals and guitar. Warrix and Tolliver both grew up in small towns in southeastern Kentucky, and enjoyed remarkably similar lives -- they were raised in...

Tuesday Nicholas took he and I to yet another concert in the corporate suite at the Sprint Center! It was a very awesome show and I really enjoyed it! Especially Tim McGraw though. I did know and like a couple songs from Halfway to Hazard and Jason Aldean but it was Tim McGraw that I was excited to see int he first place and I was hoping all along I would get to hear my favorite song LIVE- and I did!

I was talking to a friend from work a few days ago while we were waiting for everyone to arrive for our morning stand up meeting. She had told me that she saw Mr. McGraw a couple of years ago. She said he was so upset over his brother being in Iraq that he spoke about him and the war for 45 minutes of his show and she was uber disappointed, but that wasn't my experience at all.

He shot right through the most recent songs, snuck in 3 or 4 new songs which were pretty cool and played several super important "oldie" favorites, saving my super duper oooper fav for his second to last song!

I was sooooooooo excited for him to sing it that I screamed and sprang from my seat and would probably have flapped my arms and clucked like a chicken too if it wasn't for the fact Nicholas' boss and his wife were right behind us.

Yes, I was that woman.

My song:

Artist: Tim McGraw
Song: "Somethin' Like That
Album:

[Buy this CD]

Complimentary “"Somethin' Like That” Ringtone

It was labor day weekend,
I was seventeen,
I bought a Coke and some gasoline;
And I drove out to the county fair.

When I saw her for the first time,
She was standin' there in the ticket line;
And it all started right then and there.

Oh the sailor sky made a perfect sunset,
And that's a day I'll never forget!

I had a barbeque stain on my white T-shirt,
She was killin' me in that mini-skirt;
Skipping rocks on the river by the railroad tracks.
She had a sun-tan line and red lipstick,
I worked so hard for that first kiss;
And a heart don't forget something like that.

Well, it was five years later on a south-bound plane,
I was headed down to New Orleans;
To meet some friends of mine for the Mardi Gras.

When I heard a voice from the past,
Comin' from a few rows back;
And when I looked,
I couldn't believe just what I saw.

She said, "I bet ya don't remember me."
And I said, "Only every other memory!"

I had a barbeque stain on my white T-shirt,
You were killin' me in that mini-skirt;
Skipping rocks on the river by the railroad tracks.
You had a sun-tan line and red lipstick,
I worked so hard for that first kiss;
And a heart don't forget something like that."

Like an old photograph,
Time can make a feeling fade;
But the mem'ry of the first love,
Never fades away!

I had a barbeque stain on my white T-shirt,
She was killin' me in that mini-skirt;
Skipping rocks on the river by the railroad tracks.
She had a sun-tan line and red lipstick,
I worked so hard for that first kiss;
And a heart don't forget,
No!
A heart don't forget,
I said!
A heart don't forget,
Somethin' like that!
Oh, now somethin' like that!

LOVE THAT SONG!!!

Also- I love this about Nicholas:
(Which I did tell him, but I will tell you too)

Nicholas does not love Tim McGraw.
No, he doesn't.
He loves Ben Folds, he loves Cold Play and he had fun but he didn't take me because he loves Tim McGraw tunes - it was because he loves me and thats why he signed us up for the tickets for this show and I didn't even really realize this fact until I watched him trying to mouth some of the words which he didn't really know to some of the songs which he also didn't really know and it struck me as a very very VERY sweet gesture from my incredibly beautiful and sweet man and it made me very happy that he can be so thoughtful and sweet and I really appreciated it- which I told him... but now I'm telling you too.

Lucky me!

What I did today- hehe!

2008-06-19T23:51:00.000-05:00

INSTRUCTIONS FOR OBTAINING A MARRIAGE LICENSE

Either person may make application for the marriage license. There is a THREE day waiting period, after application is made, before you may pick up the license.

Application made on:

Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday

Pick-up on:

Thursday or any business day after
Friday or any business day after
Monday or any business day after
Monday or any business day after
Monday or any business day after

Either person can pick up the license. The license will expire six months from date of issuance.

A worksheet is issued when the application is made. All information must be completed and returned when picking up the license. The worksheet must be signed by both parties

THE FEE FOR THE LICENSE IS $50 CASH ONLY. NO CHECKS!!!

After the marriage ceremony, the original license is returned to the Court for recording, then forwarded to the Department of Vital Statistics in Topeka, Kansas, where it is kept on permanent file. The duplicate is for the bride and groom. To obtain a certified copy of your marriage license you may apply to the Bureau of Vital Statistics, Topeka, Kansas, or to the Clerk of the District Court. Applications may be obtained in the Clerk of the District Court office.

License will be published in the local newspaper.

Note: Minors must be accompanied by parent or guardian, and application must be approved by the Judge.

If you have any questions, please contact the District Court office.
HOURS are Monday through Friday 8:00 am to 4:30 pm.

Dad's in Italy.....

2008-06-15T08:14:00.006-05:00

Speaking entirely from a female prospective.... we are soooooooooooo lucky in this world, to have men who become incredible Father's! What a special and important thing!

A woman CANNOT be a Father, we can try, we can do it allllll, but we can't really do THAT- not while still being a woman and lets get real- you have to definitely stop being a woman to be a Father.

Even if a woman could really walk that walk, it still wouldn't matter that she could because children long for their Father, deep down in theirs hearts it's a love they long for exclusively. I watched it with my own children.

Is it the same for children with their Mom's? I suppose it may be.

I am super duper uber rooper dinkly doggly incredibly LUCKY to have a beautiful Father and to be so in love with a man who is such a great Daddy too!

It is SUCH a special thing to watch- a Father's relationships with his children and family is- it's such a special thing to be part of!

Good Father's are very very very important to our whole entire world they are the yang to our yin and truly a sweet blessing straight from God but an EXCELLENT BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL Dad is simply music, to me.

Excerpt from Daughters: (John Mayer)

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

Our poodle loves me

2008-06-14T19:55:00.004-05:00

<--- This is not a picture of our poodle but a close cousin. Our poodle's name is Merlot. We named her that over a glass of wine at my brothers house the day Nicholas bought her for us. Nicholas also thought of her name and it made sense when he did because she was brand new and her papers said she would be red. Whenver I tell folks her name I inevitably get a raised eyebrow as if I am such a lush that I would need to name my dog in honor of the beverage. Which isn't the case, but often makes me laugh at the unoriginal nature of some people that think their assumption is theirs alone.

Now that Merlot is fully grown it turns out that she isn't so red, but she is adorable and I like her name a lot anyhow. Nicholas often comments on how she is the perfect dog for us, and she is.

Anyway I know that she loves me because she really really loves to run.
LOVES it!
And last night we were outside doing our run/walk with Megan who had Merlot's leash and was running along in front of me and I didn't feel much like running so I was just walking along swiftly with Aerosmith humming in my ears and a nice breeze blowing my hair back- (Ilove how that feels) but Merlot kept stopping to wait for me.
She would start to run (remember she loves to run) and then errrrrrrrrp- she would put on the brakes because she loves me and she didn't want to leave me behind.
*smile*

Devotion.

Sweatin before I'm an oldie!

2008-06-01T23:08:00.010-05:00

Oh my gosh...........

the computers at my place of employment have been SO out of whack with a completely jacked server problem for almost a month now, but they hit an all time low over t his past week and a half.

Miraculously today, when I logged on and tried to open various programs- after a bit of a pause they all popped right open!
It was a beautiful beautiful beautiful thing.

For the past month or so that the computers have been so messed up everyone at work has been talking about how we should have never stopped doing all the paperwork by hand
- yea right.

Whatever.

Last week I started working out.

Well, run/walking -
which means I half run and half walk a given distance.

Which, last week was 5 miles.

No not 5 miles a day-
(My aching ass wishes...)

5 miles the whole week.

I have committed to go 10 miles this week.

Which by the way, I read is an extremely good cardio vascular work out.

Walk 2 minutes and run 2 minutes.

Except that I am actually doing it by the block... or so... *shrug*

I got two miles under my belt tonight and am off to an excellent start with my goal for the week.

Wooot!

Starbucks

2008-05-14T07:56:00.007-05:00

I am feeling hostile this morning.
I am, because I am tired and it is a lot harder for me to keep any negative emotions in check when I am tired. That and there was an incredibly rude bitch in line at Starbucks.
Hrmph.
So, now I'm tired and grumpy.
I wonder what I'll get if I Google "rude bitch in car?"

(Surprisingly I didn't get too much..)

Even when I switched it just to "rude bitch" in the Google search bar I didn't get much?

Mainly pictures of models with little captions underneath that said rude bitch or some variation of that. But this one below- wow- this one below was different than the others:

It definitely shows class and style- that goes without saying. It only really needs a substitution like an "A" in the word think for example to make it truly prize winning. You thank?

Anyway-
I parked my car and went in this morning because I refused to sit in line behind rude bitch and I actually had shoes on... so I could! It also occurred to me that the one thing which would make me feel somewhat better would be if I could get in and get my coffee aeons before that rude bitch got through the drive through line with hers! So, sneakered but no socks and in my snowflake pajama pants and no bra I went in to beat that bitch through the line!

I noticed while I was inside Starbucks something which I have noticed on many occasions before. Starbucks trains their cashiers to make this incredibly annoying swooping motion with their arm when they give you your money back.

They don't all do it, just a couple of them at the store closest to our house but the ones that do it swing their arm around in a full circle AWAY from you and then do this little arm swoop towards you before handing you your money... and they smile the cheesiest and most fake smile EVER while doing it- it reminds me of Howdy Doody. Eww.

This one guy whom particularly rubs me the wrong way also talks in a way that reminds me of what it is like to eat a heaping mouthful of soggy bread- if you don't like soggy bread- which I absolutely don't.

Yea, now I'm the one being a bitch and that isn't very attractive, I know, but Starbucks should be more selective with their early morning staff. By later in the day who really cares who serves them? By then, quirky can even be fun.

Hell, I'm quirky!

First thing in the morning though the people you see and whom speak to you and make swoopy motions with your credit card instead of handing it directly back to you could possibly set the tone for your ENTIRE DAY!

They should all be soft fuzzy vanilla people instead of strange characters and please, no rude bitches.

Sheesh.

At 6:53 Phoenix time....

2008-05-13T08:47:00.004-05:00

I was wondering this morning if the people that make these little itty bitty creamer packets are folks that normally put cream in their coffee?

Why do they make them so small?

2008-05-13T00:02:00.004-05:00

Hiya! I am writing my blog today from a Southwest airlines flight to Phoenix Sky Harbor International airport. I have on my Nano and the Eagles are currently singing Pretty Maids All In a Row” to me.
I sincerely love to sing this song so it’s hard to hold my tongue- as it’s sooooooo tempting to belt it out… but I’m crammed into the middle seat here on the plane, which makes it a little easier to restrain myself.

I don’t know what the deal is with Southwest now –a- days?

It seems to me that it hasn’t been that long really since I flew Southwest, (has it?) but it was all different this time. Apparently they don’t give you seat assignments anymore and it’s first come first serve?

What’s up with that?
Also, the way they board is all screwy now.

I’m traveling with my boss this trip and she thought we were in the wrong line so we moved back a line looking for the “B” section. She had B40 to my B47.

We found the “B” line and stood there chatting for a few minutes, but after a couple of announcements I figured out that the line we were in was actually headed to California and that wasn’t going to work for us since we are due in Scottsdale at 8:30 in the morning.

We made it back to our line in plenty of time though and had a little laugh over it. She said she and her husband were both relieved that I was willing to drive us through Phoenix – lol- which made me laugh because I knew if Nicholas was sipping a beverage at that moment he would have spit it all down his shirt since my driving tends to freak him out! I just smiled and said “Aww it’s no problem.”
After all I AM an accomplished driver. (am)

SO now I am at my hotel. It’s a Courtyard and I have a nice room with a balcony! My bed looks really comfy and in a minute I am going to crawl into it! I only wish my love was here with me.
He was/is really excited about his trip and so I want it to be everything that he wanted, for him- he is a man meant to explore big cities and I hope to explore most of them with him too- but I miss him tonight and I wish he was near me, for me.

I opened up the door to my hotel room balcony while I was talking to him for a few minutes just before he went to bed and then I just went ahead and left the door open which I am fully enjoying right this moment because it feels COMPLETELY delicious outside!

I can reeeeeeeeally appreciate balmy weather.

The other night at home before Nicholas left for DC- it wasn’t exactly balmy out, no... unusually chilly for May actually, but it was totally gusty- spring time in Kansas GUSTY and I was in heaven getting to sleep with Nicholas in that crazy weather! Ahhhh.

I stayed in a room EXACTLY like this with my folks when my Uncle died, I guess a little over a year ago, I would never have remembered us staying in a Courtyard hotel, but I slept on the couch bed and it was exactly like the one I have in my room now – so each time I look around the room I remember sitting over there on the couch and talking to my Mom who was on the right side of the bed and my Dad who got in on the left and had control of the remote- and it keeps feeling to me as if I am in that same spot which feels kindof bizarre since we really weren't here.

Weird wild stuff!

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T16:18:00.010-05:00

That is my Mom!

I have a brother and a sister too, which I realize makes her more like- OUR mom... but... whatever.

My Mom is SUCH a beautiful, lovely, warm, sunny woman who often gets incrrredibly excited about silly little things (but not always silly) ((which makes her fun)) and wears her endearing and vivacious heart on her ever loving sleeve.
Mom is like a MAGNET for people!

People in church, at work, in her guild, her neighbors, her friends, her family. Everybody loves my Mom and wants to hear her take- they want her gossip and they often want her advice. Whats more is that of these people that flock to my Mother... they all seem to truly respect her along with the high regard they have for her and I am always struck by that. In reality, if she had her own talk show- she would be the Walmart of talk shows- because thats just how she does things.

My Mom is SUCH a wonderful lady, I really think the world of her and am honestly very impressed by who she is. In fact so many distinctly different elements come together to make up the woman that is my Mom it's hard to decide which things are the most important- impossible actually so I will just add that I have been trying so hard, for so many years to be like her in a great deal of ways.

Luckily in this case- or as fate doles it out- some of her strongest traits were passed on to me naturally through osmosis.... the rest were passed on through years of programming- in other words I have the high expectations and I can see "the ring" but sometimes I have had to really struggle against my natural inclinations toward laziness to achieve a part of what she spent so much time modeling for me.

My Mom has taught me all of my life about the value of hard work- not just working hard but making sure that to the average on looker you made it look easy.
Through watching her work her way through the world she taught me it is also very important that in the process of accomplishing a big project of some sort that you aren't a whiner so as not to detract from "making it look easy," and I learned that through THAT whole process you gain a distinct sense of pride in your own abilities. Something which I have observed in my Mom countless times.

Inadvertently my Mom has taught me a lot about looking inside rather than out- for the answers, or to accomplish something, both. Which as a child ended up being lessons that I despised and bucked against; as an adult I lean on and appreciate those lessons whole heartedly and it is knowledge that I try in earnest to pass on to my own children.

My Mom is an all around interesting person who really knows how to LIVE! She is SO much fun! I love her laugh and I love it when she laughs so hard she cries and still just laughs and laughs! She does what she wants (for the most part) and the things that she wants to do are incredibly creative as well as often, for the pleasure of others. Which is something, again, that I admire about her with my whole heart.

My Mom sticks with things, she doesn't give up, at least not without wearing out EVERY possible option and then a good pout. My Mom has taught me how to pout with my whole body. How to pout from my heart. Believe it or not, it is a skill and I have learned it from her!

My Mom is often a realist - mostly- and she taught me how to look at every possible option in a situation and to cover every base so that there aren't any surprises and I don't drop any balls because my Mom and I both hate it when that happens.

My Mom knows just how to attract the people and situations to her that she wants or needs and she is somebody that everybody wants to be around. She is also somebody that everyone can count on and she doesn't even know how special that is! My Mom has a wonderful imagination- it's no wonder she attracts so many people!

My mom is fiercely loyal if she is on your side- conversely, she definitely taught me that I am too good to engage in conversations- let alone confrontations with folks that don't matter to me! I should just stick my nose in the air and move on- which I do- rather well. (Mostly.)
((Thanks MOM))

My Mom is into some really interesting things.

I Googled her name and I actually came up with all sorts of stuff. Which makes me feel sad actually, that she is so far away and so I am less a part of her every day happenings than I should be or would like to be.

She is into World of Warcraft which she plays with my sister and my fiance even though I got her into it to begin with... she is into genealogy and between my Aunt Berta and my Mom, I have learned the most incredible stories about my family and where I have come from- it is really really special to me. the time and effort they have both put into learning our families stories.

Here is a link to her award winning quartet:
http://www.southfloridajubilee.com/quartets.php

And HERE!
I even found this article that she wrote to promote her silk flower business:

Using Silk Flowers - Should I?

By: My MOM, Sat Mar 25th, 2006

Many of the silk flowers available for bridal bouquets today look so real only the bride knows for sure whether they are. Using silk flowers in the bridal bouquet may not be for every bride, but many are taking a second look at the advantages.

One of the best reasons for choosing silk flowers for the wedding bouquet is that the beauty of the flowers will remain the same for many tomorrows as it looks today. Too often with a fresh cut bouquet, saving it means drying the bouquet. If you are not adept at drying flowers, they may even end up with mold spots. Even if they are dried appropriately, the colors will be faded. You can get a fresh cut bouquet freeze dried to perpetuate the true colors, but it must be done by a professional and can be expensive. Silk flowers will not wilt, mold, or fade on your wedding day or over the years that pass.

If you choose to have a silk flower wedding, you can plan and order your bouquets far in advance of the wedding. Most brides are very busy in the month before the wedding. Having to coordinate with a florist to have fresh cut flowers delivered to the wedding venue is just one more pressure point on the countdown. Also, if the fresh cut flowers do not look like you envisioned, when you get them it is often too late to change anything. When you order your silk flower bouquets as far in advance as six months before the wedding, you have plenty of time to ask for changes or to order extra pieces if other honored guests appear on your list.

Finally, in terms of the wedding budget, a silk flower wedding can be more economical than fresh cut flowers. The flowers you like are always "in season." Prices are not bumped by seasonal changes. Also, because you will be able to order at a time that you wish to, you can pay for the flower expense months ahead of other expenses that will necessarily come right before the wedding.

Whatever choices you make about your wedding flowers - silk flower or fresh cut - a good wedding flower designer will help you create beauty in your wedding bouquet.

About the author: My Mom designs custom-styled bridal bouquets and wedding packages for brides. Visit her website http://www.bridalsilkbouquets.homestead.com for ideas.

I could write about my Mom endlessly and that is something else which I love and admire about her. I am so proud and honored that she has taken so much time and effort into helping me grow into the person I am- which was really the main ingredient that made all of my dreams come true.

If you are reading- I love you Mom!

Happy Mother's Day!

Here's the kiss I wish I could give you today Mom- minus the musty, un-deodorized smell of the era and the weird way we often feel when some one else's kid randomly kisses us like they know us....

(hehe)

Kisses and Hugs.

Alo

Supporting your brotha'

2008-05-08T22:49:00.006-05:00

My daughter had a choir concert tonight.

She's a freshman in High school.

She was in two songs.

I bought her the outfits she was supposed to wear and she looked really cute when I dropped her off but other that a couple flashes of her cheek and eye, her pony tail spinning as she spun in a circle which I caught the briefest flash of- I didn't see her at all.

My other daughter went to this school also, which is how it has come to pass that I have had to endure 3 years now of this same choir teacher.

The shows are pretty good, flashy fun costumes, most of the kids are pretty talented and it is entertaining for the first hour but not for 3 1/2 hours.

After 3 1/2 hours my ass is sore, my feet are sore and I'm aggravated.

I didn't even get to see her.

We went to see Alicia Keys like a week ago I guess. It was one of the best concerts I have been to in quite a while. It really was! The music was awesome, the showmanship excellent and I was really impressed.

I should mention that I was also completely thrilled that we were able to bring the girls with us that night because they completely loved it and it was certainly as much of a pleasure for me to watch them having fun, clapping and getting into the music at the show as it was for me to watch the show itself.

I had to thank Nicholas several times for providing us with the opportunity to share it all together.

We were lucky enough to be in a suite for the concert where we hovered above most of the crowd and just above and off to the side of the stage.

There I was in that huge stadium of clapping people at that awesome concert and there were a couple of times that I just didn't feel like clapping - and I didn't.

What difference do my little clapping hands make in a big huge crowd like that anyway I thought to myself.

"Umm... like, NONE."

As I stood there enjoying the show but not clapping, it did occur to me to wonder what would happen if everyone were like me?

If everyone at that show just got lazy on clapping like me and figured there was no need for them to clap in that crowd of clapping people -

Like me, they figured the clappers would just tow the load for them and so they just didn't clap; and when Alicia was done singing one of her beautiful songs, instead of whoops and hollers there was just silence...

or ok, even a couple random clappers maybe, but they would sound pitiful because everyone else didn't clap at all...

I thought that if that happened much of the crowd would surely be shocked at their own silence and ashamed by the inaction of the rest of the crowd and maybe many would feel mortified for the star who we would have left standing out there in an unexpected and shocking hush.

Some people would start clapping then just to break the silence, as if doing so could change what had already come to pass and then probably more and more and more would chime in eventually but it would come off to Alicia like we were a really half assed crowd that didn't really mean it in the end and mostly she would talk for years in interviews and her next novel about that night and how we let her down as people because she had opened herself and her heart up to us through her music and we failed to share in that giving by keeping her head above the water.

Have you ever been let down that way?

I have, and so anyway I decided she would have every right to feel terrible and write as many books as she was inspired to on this topic.

When I thought all of that through to myself there at the concert I started clapping again and I clapped for each song she sang- even though I felt lazy and a little tipsy with my Crown and cokes and my claps didn't ever matter much more than to be a part of keeping the clap going but I was really ok with that.

2008-05-07T21:57:00.005-05:00

This is my engagement ring.

I fully adore it. We looked together online, found one I liked which I went to go and see and in the process, I ran into this one and I loved it.

It made me feel like a princess.
The worlds LUCKIEST PRINCESS!

I LOVE this ring. It is precious to me.

I LOVE IT!

I think it's incredible and it is completely perfect for me and exceedingly thoughtful of him.

Whenever (and I mean every time) I look at my ring I envision the brilliant ruby in the center representing his loving HEART- beating that strong and sure only for me- and it is soooooo incredibly sweet to me that most days when I get home I do not pause at the door, oh no! I RACE up the stairs throwing myself at his feet as soon as I can get near enough to do so, BEGGING with all that I am for him to allow me just one more time to ravage him and try to squelch the insatiable hunger that has been tormenting me, through that sweet red rock on my left ring finger for the better part of each and every day.

PHEW.

He has read this now and is thinking Oh yea, thats what she does every single day alright....

M'kay..

SO, I'm backing out of the drive way this morning- I just cleared the bump in the driveway - shocks squeak their little squeak when all at once I notice I didn't put on my ring!

OMG!
This completely sucks for me!

I was already leaving later than I should have to get to work on time, and still, fully aware-

H I D E O U S L Y AWARE

of

just

HOW

much

it is going to SUCK!
to spend the entire day without my ring on -

I gasped loudly inward slamming on my brakes and thought to myself:

SELF: "I'll just pull back in and race to the door, grab the tinkerbell key, unlock the deadbolt, pause to shut the door tightly while ignoring the disillusioned poodle that will be ecstatic to see me though I have been gone all of 60 seconds, race up the stairs, get the ring, back down, tightly shutting and bolt locking the door, re-hiding the key, back to the car, back out, race to work."

"Did I leave my monitor on?"

But instead of all of that I did the right thing. (!%$#?) I know that there isn't really time for me to go back in and as I roll forward and slip it into second and then third gears I try to console myself by reminding me that it's only one day...

Just one.
Yes ladies, I take it off before I go to bed.

I know you and every other woman (non-divorced) has been wearing their rings for the past 20, 30, 40 and in rare occasions 72 years... but I take mine off.

Otherwise I might hurt my man...

Who wants to hear "ouch your ring hurts!" from the man whom you love?

Not I.

(Fact: I have known 2 couples who were married over 70 years)

((I have))

And honestly, the idea that in the middle of the night, (since I am SUCH a brain dead zombie when I am sleeping) that I may take it off or snag it and rip it off and then my ring will be lost- really freaks me out.

Granted, my ring won't have been able to have gone very far since in my hypothetical scenario I was in bed asleep, thats true- but you have to admit it is amazing the way the remote, socks, underwear and other random items tend to get tangled up in the sheet then somehow - stealthily even- they slip off the end of the bed undetected, yet still behind the foot board and out of sight where it has now made it to The Underneath of The Bed which is where the poodle or the cat or whatever mysteries go on under the bed mess with whatever it is you have lost and are still (coincidentally) frantically looking for on TOP of the bed and then it just ends up lost forever until you pay good money to replace it anyway forcing the old object to reappear and YOU are completely screwed.

I would be.

I don't want that to happen to my ring.

So yea, I take it off before I go to bed ok.

Today has been our 53 Monthiversary.

53 months!

One thing I have really enjoyed about being in a long term relationship where we weren't talking about marriage (when we weren't buying rings and gowns and reserving spaces and creating invitations and stuff like that) was Monthiversaries... every month!
I LOVE them!
(I LOVE HIM!!!!)

And ok, we don't make a BIG deal out of every single month- we have taken turns neglecting to notice it was the 7'th day of the month- but one of us always does remember and usually every other month or so we DO do something special to celebrate the awesomeness of our relationship and indeed our luck in finding one another when no one on Eharmony would have us, (me) and Monthiversaries are just a special thing we share that I totally enjoy. Everyone should try it, but if you do, just keep in mind that it started with us.

Numerology is any of many systems, traditions or beliefs in a mystical or esoteric relationship between numbers and physical objects or living things.

Digit summing

Numerologists often reduce a number or word by a process known as digit summing, then reach conclusions based on the single digit that is produced.

Digit summing, as the name implies, involves taking the sum of all of the digits in a number, and repeating the process as necessary until a single-digit answer is produced. For a word, the values corresponding to each letter's place in the alphabet (e.g., A=1, B=2, through Z=26) are summed.

Examples:

3,489 → 3 + 4 + 8 + 9 = 24 → 2 + 4 = 6
Hello → 8 + 5 + 12 + 12 + 15 = 52 → 5 + 2 = 7

A quicker way to arrive at a single-digit "summation" is simply to take the value modulo 9, substituting a 0 result with 9 itself.

Chinese number definitions

Cantonese frequently assign the following definitions, which may differ in other forms of Chinese:

一 —
二 — easy
三 — live
四 — considered unlucky since the pronunciation of 4 (sì ) sounds like the word for death or suffering (sǐ ).
五 — the self, me, myself, nothing, never
六 — easy and smooth, all the way.
七 — a slang/vulgar word in Cantonese.
八 — sudden fortune, prosperity
九 — long in time, a slang/vulgar word in Cantonese
十 — sure

SO as you can see... if you have the number 53... you have to make it smaller.... get just a single digit.... 5+3 = 8 Which I interpret to mean : This month Nicholas and I are going to live for ourselves, prosperously. Which is always a good thing really.

Don't you think?

Since it is important to always give your reader the other side of the coin I decided to also print this post I came across while looking for the significance of the #53

The post was created by someone named "Carl" and definitely sheds light on the negative and strangely eerie side of Numerology...

Dear Readers, Recently an individual using the nick "OBVES" has predicted "impending destruction" in the year 2011 by using the occult practice known as numerology. This individual is also holding up Harold Camping (a false prophet who predicted the return of Jesus in 1994) and the Watchtower Bible And Tract Society (an cult known, in part, for setting end time dates that didn't come to pass -- dates such as 1874, 1914, and 1974 among others) as reliable sources to support his claim. However, numerology is pure bunkum as well as a form of divination, something that God abhors. So why is "OBVES" going against God and turning to divination? That's something only "OBVES" can and should answer. In the meantime, I submit the following article by Dr. John Ankerberg and Dr. John Weldon on the topic of numerology. May God bless, Carl

It's something to think about I guess...

LOL!

Grumpsy's (Dad's) Prize Winning Chili

2008-05-07T07:47:00.004-05:00

(Just look at the trophy in hand in previous post!)

Chili con Carne:

2 Lb coarse-ground beef (a real preference here would be to substitute ground buffalo instead of the beef – I’ve been seeing ground buffalo in the market these days, and often cheaper than ground beef). Another alternative: 1 Lb ground beef, I Lb ground pork. You pick! 2 Lbs whatever meat – preferably ground coarse.. Best; Ask the meat department in your supermarket to custom grind your meat – best option, 2 Lb coarse ground beef brisket or chuck. (We want meat which won’t lose all its texture after three hours simmering).

2 16 Oz Packages dark red kidney beans or chili beans or small red beans (dry).

2 medium yellow onions, “Chunk” chopped.

4 large cloves garlic – crushed or diced.

1 fresh green (or yellow), or red bell pepper –seeded, chopped (OPT)

Salt (1 Tsp) and cracked pepper ( ½ Tsp)

1 Tbs ground cumin

2 Tbs Paprika

3 Tbs good quality chili powder

dash Cayenne pepper

2 – 6 Oz can tomato paste

2 --6 Oz cans mild, diced chili peppers (OPT)

32 Oz tomato sauce OR 32 oz can diced tomatoes – drained.

6 ripe plum tomatoes, halved down the middle – then cut in thirds cross-wise – or whatever!

2 Tbs honey, molasses or brown sugar

3 Cups beef broth

3 Oz unsweetened chocolate, finely ground (OPT).

2 beef bouillon cubes

Condiments: Whatever combinations of the below is to your taste

Sour Cream

Shredded cheddar or jack cheese

Chopped onion

Dices mild banana pepper rings

Diced pimentos - drained

Like the recipe for “The Sauce,” if you don’t have three hours to let the chili simmer – don’t make chili!! That said – here we go; The above is a good basic recipe for chili. The items with (OPT) following are optional.. Use them or not. Also, messing around with quantities is a fine way to experiment - and make a chili recipe your own!

Put the kidney beans in a saucepan.. Cover with water + 3”. Bring to a boil. Cover the saucepan. Remove from heat and allow to soak.

Distribute the cumin, salt, pepper, paprika and garlic over the ground meat. Sauté this mixture in a Dutch oven - with olive oil - until the meat is well done. Drain off the fat and juices. Add all the remaining ingredients down to the bouillon cubes (excepting only the kidney beans). Stir! Bring to a simmer. Cover – and let simmer three hours – stirring to the bottom every hour. Do stir it once (to the bottom) after the first 15 minutes - to make sure it is not beginning to burn on the bottom.

After 1 Hour, drain the water from the kidney beans and add them to the chili. Also, take a large sample spoonful in a dish. Allow it to cool a couple of minutes - and taste it carefully. You’re looking for enough of salt?? General flavor level (Add more bouillon cubes).. Enough chili flavor?? (Add more chili powder).. Spicy enough?? (Add a few dashes of Cayenne pepper to zap it up).. Too thick?? (Add more beef bullion concentrate).. Too Thin?? Increase heat with the lid removed. Allow to get to a good simmer uncovered - and let it simmer until the right thickness... THEN, Serve.. Add condiments.. Pig out!!

Grumpsy’s Prize Winning Chili -

In March, 2008 I entered a chili cook-off in our home-town - competing against 25 other contestants and I won 2^nd place – in spite of the fact that I knew no-one at the event.. This was damn good chili. Certain other rules apply to contest chili and frankly these rules do in fact make a better chili.. A primary difference between ‘everyday’ chili - and contest chili - is the meat.. Contest chili is expected to have a firmer texture and bigger flavor than can normally be created with ordinary ground beef. I made my meat for this chili as below (and I made a really large quantity as we were serving to a lot of people.

1 4 lb flat-cut beef brisket, well trimmed

1 4 lb slab boneless pork country-style rib meat.

2 lbs ground buffalo

(I would have used buffalo brisket also – but couldn’t find any)

The meats were prepped as follows: Prepared a dry-rub of 1/3 cup high quality chili powder, 1/3 cup paprika, 2 Tbs ground garlic powder, 4 Tbs ground cumin, ¼ cup salt. Each meat was packed with this mixture, wrapped tightly in heavy aluminum foil and placed in the refrigerator for three days.

On the fourth day, the foil packages were removed from refrigeration and ½ cup bottled chili sauce was added to each package (smeared on the meat & dry-rub). The packages were resealed, placed in shallow baking dishes to catch any leakage and placed in an oven at 220 degrees – overnight! Actually, the beef brisket was going to need 10-12 hours, the pork about 8 and the ground buffalo (only 2 lbs) about 3 hours – so I adjusted starting times to let them be done roughly together..

The packages were opened to save the juices and set aside the meat. The brisket and country rib meats were roughly cut across the grain in ¾ in strips – then shredded across the grain with a pair of forks. Ground buffalo was fork-shredded evenly.

The juices from all were allowed to settle and the fat skimmed from the top.

The shredded meat was mixed together and entered into the Dutch oven(s) where the recipe then picks up following the sautéing of the meat, above – except that I replaced 1 ½ cups of beef broth with the like quantity of the meat juices.

Other differences with making a competition chili: Do not try to thicken with flour.. Judges can taste that..

In my case, I began worrying over thickness early-on – and intentionally used only 3/4 the amounts of beef broth and diced tomatoes as specified above… Then I added amounts of both of those as needed. In other words, I started with the chili too thick on purpose - and added either diced tomatoes (for sweetness) or beef broth (for savory richness) based on what the dish needed during the process.

Now the issue of HEAT.. My plan was to create heat not by using cayenne or other dried peppers – but rather by increasing amounts of natural, fresh peppers. For the sake of discussion, Poblano peppers have a nice “chili pepper” flavor, but are very mild with a minimum bite. I used Poblanos in each chili for flavor. Next up the pepper chain would be Anaheims.. A little hotter - but still livable. (but not as much flavor as Poblanos). At the middle of the pepper heat discussion is Cayenne (ground red pepper), and Jalapenos. Both are very “up-front” heat.. (When it hits your mouth, you know it’s hot!). For my medium chili I used natural Jalapenos and Anaheim’s. For my hot it was Jalapenos and Habanera peppers (could have used Scotch Bonnet for super hot instead – I picked Habanera because they looked better in the store that day. Unlike jalapenos, the Bonnets and Habanera’s are sneaky-hot. You take a bite and don’t notice anything immediately.. Then the heat begins to build in the back of your mouth - and boy does it build, and build and build!!).

As I said, my plan was that all of the heat would come from natural peppers – so as the cooking was coming to the last hour, I regularly tasted samples and added diced peppers to gradually built the heat to a level which I liked. It’s important to allow the chili to simmer at least 15 minutes after adding more peppers before re-tasting. This allows the flavor and heat of the peppers to assimilate out into the chili..

(Great care needs to be taken in working with the really hot peppers. (Habaneras or Scotch Bonnet. In my case – even though I didn’t think I was getting any juice from the peppers while preparing them - about ½ hour after working with the peppers, my hands

began burning horribly – which didn’t stop for hours!

Rough amounts to start with for a batch of chili using 2 lbs meat: For a “mild” chili, add 2 whole Poblano peppers coarsely chopped at least 1 hour before cooking is complete. For a “medium” chili, add about 4 Jalapenos or Anaheim’s. For a “hot” chili, Use 6 Jalapenos (finely chopped), but add 4 to 6 habaneras, also finely chopped. These quantities vary by widely by season and source of the peppers – so best practice is to start with ½ the recommended amount – Let it cook for ½ hour, and try it! Then, adjust.

(Thanks Dad!)

"It's healthy for a man to work with wood..."

2008-05-04T22:22:00.010-05:00

A few weeks ago I was talking to my Dad on the phone.
He lives in Florida so I don't get to see him that often, and we aren't terribly good about emailing one another- though we do here and there but I really like to talk to him. I love to hear him laugh when he gets my jokes, in a way that only he can since he is the one who tweeked my sense of humor, just so.
So anyway, as we were getting started in our conversation I asked him what he was doing with himself that weekend and he told me- "Oh lets see... long pause.... well, I built a sub-woofer today."

I said, "You did?"

"A subwoofer?"

Then I laughed and asked, "Why did you build a sub-woofer Dad?"

My Dad said, "well for my surround sound system of course!"
(Of course)

I didn't say anything in response to that so he went on saying "Oh I don't know, I was just reading about how to build a sub-woofer and I thought what the hell! So I built it and it sounds grrrreat! I'll send you a picture!"

And he did.
And I love it.

That is it in the upper left hand corner over there.

Honestly, on my screen, from my email, the picture is 4 times as big and just really great looking! It catches the sparkle of pride in his eye and his great smile which you can't see too well since it's so teeny.
I don't know why I couldn't get it to transfer well onto my blog?
(shrug)

All I can say is that the skill/creativity/patience that my father has to build, manipulate and create things which when he is finished are actually useful and often lovely is not something that he passed on to me...

Nor did he pass on his math skills or map following skills....

instead I got carbon copies of his feet, bulbous hairy, unladylike hammer toes, (which I later passed on to my helpless children) big ears, curly hair, a gap in my teeth which I have a hard time keeping filled and an excellent sense of humor - which is definitely needed when you are faced with such challenges as these from early in life!

I'm smiling as I write this, because even though as a kid I cared about these things sooooooo much, as an adult I am more concerned about being peri-menopausal, whether or not I'll make it to the gym before work each day this week like I promised myself I would; so that when we look at our wedding pictures folks don't pick them up and say things like
"my you looked so plump/chunky!"

Eww...

I worry about things like if Nicholas will be able to stay blind to the fact that one could categorize me this way- just long enough that I can fall back out of the category?

(God I hope so.)

Keep those glasses on baby!

Come on.... eat the other side of the mushroom......
(I love you)

I don't care that my hair is turbo curly even though straight will always be much more in style.

And truly, how could it not be?

When I have properly washed my feet - that also often smell a lot like my Dad's, I'll let Nicholas play with my toes sometimes and when he does I often blabber to him about when I was a young girl complaining to my Dad about how ugly my toes were and how they looked like his and he would say to me - "We have the most beautiful feet in the WORLD!"

To which my Mom would giggle and roll her eyes.
(Because we don't)

But after a few minutes of him going on and on and on about how incredible our feet looked, I felt a little proud about them since he made me laugh.

Laughter is a very powerful thing and a Dad that can make you laugh - really really rolling on the floor laughing- even 15 years after the original incident- well that sets the stage for the whole rest of your life really.

Sometimes I sit back and listen to Nicholas talk to the kids, who don't always get his humor yet or sometimes the fact that he was joking and so sometimes they get frustrated too because his humor is often subtle- or then again so far the other direction that it doesn't come off as what it really is - which must make him feel very superior at times as well, and anyway sometimes while I'm watching him interact with them I think to myself how creative and quick a truly funny mind has to be. Like his.

Funny.

Like my Dad too.

I could accept no less.

I remember a few years ago while my Dad was standing up on a short ladder in their Kitchen at the first house they owned in Florida, remodeling and making a terrific and dusty mess that their various cats were covered in and floated through the air through out the house.
I looked up at him and my mom looked up at him and my daughter looked up at him... and I think we all looked up at him right then because he had screamed SHIT! so loudly and angrily just the moment before that he had all of our undivided attention for that moment... even though I don't remember him ever stopping what he was doing, or spitting or swearing, (LOL) to really notice us and my Mom said something she has said to me a few different times in my adulthood.

She said, "It's healthy for a man to work with wood."

It happened in conversation at work this past Thursday afternoon that I was standing there in her office while the maintenance man was talking with our Executive Director about bids he had received on a project that were so outrageous (!*%$#) he was considering just doing the project on his own that I thought to my mom's words and interjected them...

It seemed appropriate.

But I didn't say them quite right and quite unintentionally, I noticed, because of the strained silence that followed what I said and upon replaying it in my head I just had to laugh my apologies out loud because I sounded like SUCH a perv!

But I didn't mean it that way.

2008-05-03T00:15:00.005-05:00

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR BETTER HALF WANTS YOU TO STOP PLAYING VIDEO GAMES...

by Alixandria Knight

If you care about your relationship, what can you do when your significant other requests you to stop playing games other than to stop everything and have a conversation with the intention of really getting something sorted out or quit playing all together?

The root of the problem isn't "the game" anyway, so help your mate identify what the trouble really is, within them; and try to be an open listener. At some point it would be a good idea to really let it all sink in and figure out your part and what you are or aren't doing that is contributing to the problem so that you can adjust your behavior.

It's safe to say that every relationship is different and so the proper way to respond to your spouse will vary but here are a couple of DEFINATE DON'TS to remember when your spouse has asked you to discontinue your gaming.

1. The avid gamer often validates the radical amount of time they spend gaming by proclaiming it as an escape. Bad move. You can guarantee that while your spouse was washing dishes, vacuuming, cooking and driving, yes even in the middle of their favorite show they have played this phrase over and over in their head all the while wondering what you think you are escaping from and usually reaching the conclusion that at least subliminally, you are seeking escape from them. They further figure that you are too dumb to reach this conclusion on your own. Avoid using this phrase.

2. Don't bother playing the guilt card. If you truly felt bad or actually felt you were doing something wrong, then being the caring partner you are you would obviously respond by changing your behavior. Since you know, and your spouse knows, this isn't the case; just leave it alone. It'll help.

Try to keep in mind going into the conversation that your spouse sincerely wanting your attention, in itself, is not a bad thing and it is an all too normal response in this day and age to want what we cannot have. So cut them some slack. After all, you already have most of what you want. And you'll be batting 1000 once you get your spouse on board!

Your spouse is acutely aware that there is a pretty good chance whatever you are doing with them, you would really rather be playing. The average spouse does not truly want to spend time with your body while your mind is on the game. The only exception to this statement, of course, is if your sex life has moved into the seriously deprived category. During these droughts who needs your mind anyway?

Help your spouse begin to identify things that are really of interest to them that they may have been putting off or let take a back burner for one reason or another. Remind them how important it is to take time to nourish their own soul, because if your spouse is busy doing something that they truly enjoy they won't be near as worried about what you are doing and will feel much better in the bargain. It also won't hurt to remind your spouse how little they really want you to begin dictating to them how they will spend their time.

Here are a couple of perks you might want to point out to help your spouse feel better about being married to a gamer.

1. No pressure. You aren't going to pressure your spouse about doing anything because you want to draw as little attention to yourself as possible anyway. If your spouse puts off chores for a couple of days, it'll be no skin off your nose.

2. Your spouse can now be a total control freak with no ramifications so long as you aren't bothered while you are playing that is. Even if you don't like the new set up in the family room you aren't going to notice it until you are passing it on the way to the front door in the morning anyway and by the time you get home you'll just be making a B-line for the computer anyway. That is practically total freedom a benefit that many other spouses all over the world are not able to enjoy in the same special way.

3. As long as you are happily playing your spouse has an unlimited amount of time to pursue whatever their heart desires, unfettered, unhindered.

4. Your spouse always knows where to find you. You aren't out at the bar or blowing wads of money at the casino or putting your life on the line being a dare devil. You are there at home, you look up with a loving smile, you are able to share kisses and hugs and nod when spoken to. These are all good things.

Most of all try to respond to your spouse and treat them the same way you would want to be treated if you were the one dealing with some pretty heavy emotions and abandonment issues. Your spouse just loves you.....
Or at least they did before you started playing video games.

On Wook & Tony

2008-05-02T14:23:00.010-05:00

Yesterday, my sweet lovers blog got noticed by Tony's Kansas City. He told me about it because it made him happy that he was noticed,
(I could tell) and late this morning I scrolled through Tony's site until I saw it myself.

Recognition!

I was duly impressed.

It said:

New Blog: Old School

Great new local blog I just found . . . Awesome design, lots of local content. Check it out.

posted by Tony Permalink 1 Comment

Tony has good taste I guess. Go figure?

N's writing voice was one of the very very tippety top first things that I fell in love with about him.

I don't even know why exactly- he is just so unique!

I absolutely loved to read his thoughts! Not just his writing to me mind you but all sorts of forums, his own and other peoples. I actually met him on KCSingles and the thing that motivated me to communicate with him in the first place was the flavor of his posts in their forums.

Here is an early example of his extremely attractive style in the form of an invitation to some of his buds:

From:	"My Lover"
Subject:	Poker Night Part Deux
To:	"Everyone"





Afternoon Ya'LL!

Poker night my house this friday the 5th Of march.
(tomorrow).

7pm - til the cows come home.

Food is supplied. Drinks are--however I don't have
fancy schmancy beer- just Bud Light and that wuss beer
leftover from my party-- the 'Ultra Carb
Beer"...perfect for Durg.

RULES

- No Black Jack. I know I started it last time but--
my bad.
- Limit of 3 raises per hand. Cumulative.
- 5 dollar buy in. We can raise it later if everyone
agrees.

RULES over.

Please feel free to bring a friend, date or
whomever...

If theres more than the normal amount of peeps.. i.e.
me, durg, jurn, jum and Banky-- and your friends or
dates do not wanna play for money we can set up a
friendly game of poker.

Alix is planning to play for money--

So-- please RSVP ASAP don't be a SQUARE!

And since Jurn has like 20 different email accounts
someone please fwd this if the above address is wrong.

Questions? Reply back or Call- home or
work or.... Yahoo Message Me.



Thanks

Her Lover

P.S. If not enough peeps show up - Banky is bringing
RISK to play. OR we can have a "Heavy Metal" movie
watch..or "Fight Club" watch.
All of which Alix loves
to watch...she's a girls MAN!

cyaz!!

See?

Is he adorable or what?

When I was reading his various posts it was as if I was peering at a different aspect of him- kind of like viewing him from "above" and in following along with his posts and persona's it all painted a more full and detailed picture of him than I could ever have absorbed from talking to him alone.
He is pleasantly cynical, dry, funny, smart... knows tid bits about every kind of thing- things which I don't care in the least to try and cram into my own skull but am thrilled like a happily clapping child that he does, every time that he rattles off another unimportant, geographical, historical or little known fact; he's brilliant.

On a more recent note...

For dinner tonight I made shrimp scampi for the first time EVER!
It was totally awesome! I made homemade Alfredo-florentine

Nicholas said it was just like a restaurant- better even.

Here is the recipe I Googled.

It was totally easy and the garlic was super yum.

Straight Priorities Monday

2008-04-28T10:44:00.003-05:00

I'm at work, so I don't have time to blog this morning. I have airline tickets to book, dinner reservations to make so that we can go check out Aspen's culinary Arts meal next week, people to hire, people to train; I want to be out of here to make my Dr.s apt by 3:00 and I need to check and see if Nicholas wrote me back yet- but my sister sent me what I copy/pasted below this morning. A speech someone gave at a graduation.

Someone else is likely spamming the whole world with it and my inbox was like the 34986732468 today that got it.... but I really appreciate what it has to say anyway.

Reading it made me feel relaxed- uncoiled and so I just wanted to post it for the random soul passing by my blog that also needed to read it. So your welcome, and thanks Jen! (And also thank you random speaker with excellent life skills to teach... :)

Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work.

There will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk or your life on a bus or in a car or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.

I no longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my friends and them to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best me diocre , at my job if those other things were not true.You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.

So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon or found a lump in your breast? Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted.

Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around.It is so easy to exist instead of to live. I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today i s the only guarantee you get. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived.

Working weekends is unhealthy....

2008-04-26T22:47:00.009-05:00

Back to work tomorrow...

I LOVE my work, my company is awesome, thoughtful even, the people I work with are great the work I do is meaningful, fun, challenging.
Can't ask for too much more than that out of a job.
It isn't really like work actually with the exception of when I have to go in and work because someone else isn't going to show, or almost worse, when I THINK I'm going to have to go in- like last weekend -

I was just getting ready to go into the last round when work called so I bailed out of the last round of our flight at the pre-release. (that I was actually doing really good in for once..)
There I was, alllll psyched out that I'm going to have to go in, I'm letting my family down and I have to ditch my plans; I'm bummed and teary eyed and then all of a sudden it turns out I didn't really have to go..

I enjoy this kind of 'lifercoaster' less and less as I grow in years and wisdom.

Every weekend I work all day on one of the two days my lover and (sometimes) my children, are home and I'm, well.... I'm working and their home.

I'm not bitching really- I want my job and I am sooo thankful for my employer - our family has what we need and personally, I do too.

I just miss spending the weekends with my family. With Nicholas.
That was one of my favorite things!
Nicholas and I made 2 new toons on the Horde server in World of Warcraft tonight. I don't remember the name of the server right this second, but it starts with a "K."
My new toon is named Aloestain. Which I thought sounded a little romantic for my evil doer, but Nicholas thought I was referring to a dirty joke by the name I picked... LOL!

I totally wasn't, but after the fact wished I had done it on purpose and it had been intentionally humorous.

Intentional humor is so much more intelligent!

Before we got started I ran to Starbucks and got us some coffee because I was in the mood for a steamy cup of Joe. Which even though it has now cooled to tepid is still mighty tasty. Only trouble is I need to stop sipping on it, because for one I need to be at work in the morning and if I toss and turn all night because I was still drinking coffee at 11:00 thats gonna suck, and possibly worse is the way my coffee is making me thirsty - so I keep chugging water, I feel similar to how a fish bowl must feel, all sloshy inside yet surprisingly unquenched...

My total was $3.33
The cashier commented that 3 must be my lucky number.
I responded by saying that I guessed it all depended on how you chose to look at it.

Much like Aspen's eye brows. ((LOL!))

Poor poor Aspen.

I took her yesterday to the WalMArt beauty shop right by our house to get her eye brows waxed. I did too, mine aren't great but I turned out decidedly better than she did.

It was actually amazing really. I called Nicholas to tell him I did that $21. Blockbuster rent one movie at a time thing... my son and I rented Cloverfield.. anyway I gabbed with him for like 2, perhaps three minutes, tops and then we got off the phone.

While we talked I wasn't watching Aspen, which makes it a little bit my fault.

The fact that I went on to pay the "lady" (another story) ((hormones are interesting btw)) that butchered my lovely daughters eyebrows was the second.
I'm such a wuss about refusing to pay people.
I am getting off the subject.

Thing is- I was only looking down for a short time like I said, and when I closed the phone and turned to look at Aspen, I gasped out loud... kind-of a screech/gasp.

Wide eyed Aspen gasped too and said Whaaa? Sitting up.

I caught myself and said - "I just didn't expect them to be soooo skinny!" (gulp)
I was referring of course to the place on her face where her eye brows were supposed to be.

The "lady" said hmmm? As if she hadn't noticed or I was crazy or something to that effect.

My kids are half Italian and to look at them, I think the only non-Italian features they truly have are my big stick out ears and hammer toes and needless to say the girls are unflatteringly hairy.
You know, to be female and hairy isn't really good.
How come some guys get away with being almost hairless and we poor women even tend to get hairier as we age?
At my age poor Aspen is probably going to look like a wookie if she hasn't had laser therapy or some invasive hair removing therapy before then.
I know for me at the ripe old age of 37, I have to shave on a daily basis now to stay smooth and lovely.
I DON'T... but if it was important to stay smooth and lovely I sure would have to!

Anyway, Aspen's eye brows had to have been nearly an inch thick to begin with... we just wanted them shaped.. we were really clear. I had even outlined the shape we were looking for with my finger before she started.

I don't have a picture of the way poor Aspen ended up and frankly, if I did, she would kill me for putting it up.
Though she would also have to know I am blogging about it .. hmmm...
but anyway, her eye brows ended up as skinny as this equal sign --> = top to bottom...
no kidding.. to which I boldly stated just goes to prove that not every man can be woman!

Everyone in the family room heard me.

My son flew back to Colorado today.
He called to say he landed ok- a baby cried but the flight wasn't bump until landing.
Phew- he's afraid of flying.

I was so very happy to have him come out and visit me this week!
It was everything I wanted.
I did the things that were important to me to do with him, no guilt and I got to see himand enjoyed his presence, his company, his views...

What a relief!

It is hard to get used to being strong enough to have your child living far away from you.

Almost as hard as it is to steer them in the right direction.

2008-04-25T23:53:00.008-05:00

I feel like I really got a lot done today.
I finally reserved our spot at the Pergula Arbor in the Arboretum and Botanical Gardens.... (giggle)
It is now officially ours!
OURS.
OURS! (hehe!)
It is amazing how much more real and exciting it all feels now that we have the park reserved for US!
I also bought a wedding gown today. (Yippey!)

It is lovely and it is hanging in my closet. I keep going in there (my closet) struggling to get above the shoes I have flopped on the floor just inside the door and then over the clothes I have piled here and there on top of the crunch machine and my hope chest-

If I can get my left foot firmly planted just beyond the spot where the closet door can't swing any further open I can then lean in around the door with the rest of my body... lean... lean... waaaaay to the left and while leaning push the door shut behind me while simultaneously pivoting to make it all work, to look at my dress - turn my dress around to look at the train and giggle to myself and then turn around and giggle at Nicholas.

I definitely need to clean out my closet.

Southwest Flight #1576

2008-04-23T22:36:00.004-05:00

My son gets in tonight at 11:40 pm.
Yes, thats kind-of late.
I know.
Yesterday afternoon on the phone I said something to him like.. "I'm so excited that I'm going to see you tomorrow..." to which he said "Yea for like twenty minutes of tomorrow."

Well ok, but I had a plan this time.
I'm calling it The Guilt Free plan.

One of my co-managers told me it doesn't make sense to her that I'm not Catholic.

I don't know about all of that, but I do know that every time he comes to visit- for the past few years that we have lived far apart anyway, it seems he spends most of the time he is here just hanging by himself because I'm always working.

Even if I just went through a long spell of having a lot of free time if he comes to visit it will cinch it that I will go into a serious busy streak. The last couple of times he has come we have had state inspections at work or corporate interventions and I have not only been working but working seriously long hours and when that has happened I have felt desperately guilty and like the worlds shittiest mom.

So this time I decided to try the guilt free plan. The plan that says why have him stay a week when I don't have a week to hang? Why not have him come for the days that I'm going to be off and I'll pay attention to him and let him practice driving my car, and check out apartments and schools and talk about stuff that interests him and test new video games and fix the brakes on my daughters car together and stuff like that... and when it's over, when it's time for me to work again send him packing. Send him home feeling loved and attended to instead of as an after thought- which he never ever is but this time I'll show it and I'll feel good about that.

Relapsed... and then unrelapsed all in one day - yesterday

2007-04-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

I didn’t have to go into work until later in the morning because I am evening manager today. After I dropped off my daughter at school I went to the store, bought a pack of cigarettes and drove back to the house, smelly smoke dancing out the window of my car and rain splashing in. When I’m not smoking I usually have the window of my car rolled up when it’s raining. I mean, I love the smell of the rain, the look of the rain and it’s nice to feel it accidentally hit my lip or my forehead.. I love it when it rains! After a few minutes, the rain splashing in the window of my car, bouncing off the door and trying to adjust my head properly so I can dodge the drops that are splatting into my eye and off the side of my head gets kindof annoying though.
So I got home and proceeded to sit outside my front door, in the rain no less, smoking. When you don’t smoke, you don’t sit out in the rain, you open the door and look at the rain, breath in the smell of the rain, feel the mist on your face and then you shut the door and that’s what I was thinking to myself this morning while sitting on the concrete of the patio at my front door watching the lightening crashing to the ground. Not that sitting in the rain is a bad thing, because it isn’t exactly, so long as you don’t mind getting all wet that is. I couldn’t see myself as my neighbor or a passerby might, but I had this mental image of myself sitting there as I have just described and I thought to myself what an asshole I must look like.
When you smoke you learn to appreciate the quiet sounds of nature that go on around you. I guess because you are out there, and the sounds are out there and your smoking and what else are you going to do while you pollute your body than to listen. Especially when you are getting rained on. I was standing next to the outdoor trash can taking my last drag so I could throw out my evidence before going in to shower. I stuffed my butts into the cellophane wrapper from the cigarette pack and intended to burry them deep into the can somewhere that wouldn’t catch the eye of one of my kids in passing.. or hopefully not be seen if the can blows over again. (Because I never smoke just one cigarette)
I thought to myself how ridiculous it was that I was smoking. My gum wasn’t bad was it? No. I was doing just fine. JUST FINE! And I was thinking to myself how straight retarded it is that for these last couple of days that I have been smoking I have been telling myself that I have permission to do so… I can now .. we are… but it wasn’t ever that I couldn’t before. Why did I tell myself that? I didn’t need permission to smoke, what I needed was not to do it, to eliminate it from my vocabulary and my way of thinking because my way of thinking was sick and it was going to make me sick. Like a woman with a sickness in little conversations with myself I let it be ok. I let it seem like a privilege to me because that’s what I do when I’m smoking. This is why alchoholics shouldn’t drink again and gamblers have to stay away from the casino and every other kind of addiction is supposed to never do it again, it’s because it is all too easy to do again. So simple to slip right back into the same habits, traits and thinking because it doesn’t go away any more than the idea that I could do it just for a minute does. It all stays right there burned into your skin and your skull. As soon as I’m smoking, then smoking is what I’m thinking about, when I’m going to do it again, if I have enough and when I’m going to do it again. It's actually amazing just how quickly that whole line of thought falls right back in place for me! When I’m not smoking I think repetitive thoughts too but not about just one single activity. I really don't. When I smoke it is as if my whole life revolves around this one thing. While I was sitting on the cement I kept thinking that I could be in the house doing a load of laundry, I should already be in the shower… I have to move that green chair. It would all take a few minutes and I’d be back on track with my morning but here I am just sitting here smoking and not feeling the least bit motivated to do anything In fact my thoughts even seemed a little hazy.
And then I feel bad. I feel so bad about it mentally not to mention that I can feel a headache coming on, my throat sort of hurts along with my ears, not a lot, just a little and come to think of it my stomach feels a little queasy. When I’m not smoking I never choose to do anything that makes me feel even slightly not good. I’m a pussy. I don’t feel bad because I am smoking but I feel bad because I was really pleased with myself and I was pleased for the right reasons rather than any silly reason I can come up with to feel ok about smoking again. I accomplished something that I really meant to do. Undone.
My kids are really proud of me and if they saw me standing there by the trash can they would be hurt because they would have back that nagging little fear that I’m going to die from this and that I lied and I would somehow seem smaller. What sort of example do I give my children when I do not stay strong with myself. Do I give them the impression that it is somehow ok to let yourself off the hook? Maybe with little things and things are jsut the way they are.. but when it's important, important to your future, such as this? Would I not tell them in the same instance that it is all a state of mind? I would, I know I would because it’s the truth. I robbed myself of what I was proud of by undoing it. Because a thing is only done so long as it IS. On the same note, there is no reason in the world why I cannot consider this past couple of days a mere error, a small smear easily erased and go right back my gum and not smoking and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. While I can, before I have been fully submerged again and have to struggle all over again. And today, I really don’t have to struggle, nor any other day, because it’s truly much harder to stick with something I know is wrong, for me.
I’ll just leave this here to remind me before the next time I tell myself it won’t really matter… because everything does.

Nope.

2007-03-31T01:45:00.001-05:00

Perhaps this one will???

http://www.helium.com/user/show/122737#

(WoO hOo!!!!! It did!!!)

damned ratings haven't changed yet though.....

Will the clicky work?

2007-03-31T01:36:00.000-05:00

http://www.helium.com/

If it works... this clicky should lead to my posts on Helium.com, fame, fortune and great popularity.

Snarfing Helium

2007-03-31T00:36:00.001-05:00

If I'm going to start writing on here regularly, I wonder if I'll get bored from looking at whatever I write here and now; on a regular basis? Hrm.
Well maybe that isn't the way it works?
I really don't know.
I was reading on some Forum earlier in the week.. probably Topix and followed a link to some guys blog. (Which was actually pretty entertaining)
((Not that I care enough to have saved it or ever go back or anything.))
I've read a few more too.. but not enough to know if I'm going to be viewing this particular post day after day.. week after week or not.
Moving on.
SO..
Today my lover informed me that he was writing a Blog which inspired me to look up popular blogging sites and I came upon a site called Helium.com
It was really cool.
I spent a great deal of my day reading, rating and posting. I've been checking the site tonight too and my posts are all still mainly middle of the road. I read that they pay you a penny each time somebody reads your articles. The whole idea totally tickles me. I tried to post a link to it on here so that when folks come here to read what I have to say they can also go there and read what I have said (lol) ... but it really didn't work. I'm going to try once more. Just for shits n giggles. How often does one get to say shits and giggles in a regular day?
We went to Walmart tonight and bought a teeny eeny adorable little black charcoal table grill and cooked the most exquisite strip steaks either of us has had in quite while. I marinated them in Worcestershire, lemon, soy and tequila while my love scrapped together the grill. (Which he did with great precision and skill)
It's amazing by the way the amount of crap that can build up in the first kitchen junk drawer. I say first because there are actually three more. It's a whole wall of junk drawers, but it's the first one that is already overflowing with crap a day or two after I have completely cleaned it out. The last one is always overflowing but I rarely clean it out, so it is always full to the hilt with the exact SAME crap and somehow that's different and less frustrating.
Anyway, we decided we are now charcoal people all the way. I guess I hadn't ever realized before how significant the difference is between a gas grill and charcoal. Very cool. We bought twice baked potato's already prepared. (Just add butter and sour cream) from Price Chopper and some veggies and had an awesome meal to the sound of thunder and that hilarious guy from E.
And now Ben Folds is playing in the background as I'm rounding out my first ever blog and my lover is singing as he plays Star Wars Galaxies and I am loving him.
Lucky me. I'm VERY happy the weekend is here.