Saturday, January 17, 2009

Sometimes I still wish I was from somewhere.

There is such a vast amount we take away from the people in our lives.

Depending, of course, on who you are.

I treasure it all.

After all, this is all there is to life right? All of the angst, pain, worry, all the junk was just a needless side note- because this, this is all there really is. Life should be enjoyed while we have it. The sun on our face, the wind in our hair, all that we have. The stuff of songs and love stories and the things that get our blood pumping, it’s all there ever should have been and it’s great when we figure some of that out. Though it’s often hard at first to shed old habits but then realizing we have the ability it becomes exciting instead.

Some people that I think to often are people that in my memories seemed to have a smaller role than others but for whatever reason, they were there say- the day just before something incredibly pivotal occurred and are now forever emblazoned for a word they shared or a smile in a moment or a recipe. Always there.

The guy who taught me how to whisk fluffy omelets- there, the girl who’s name I envied for it’s glamorous simplicity- there, the lady in the bathroom at the court house as I filed my papers who told me it was going to be hard but I could do it- there. You are all here.
A slow motion masterpiece my memory is.

Some people I think about often are people that have been in my husband’s memory whom I have never even known, except through him and his stories and through the way I envision them honing who he is today, in their own little ways, they have become people in my life too.

This week I have gotten in touch with some old friends from high school. Not people who I only nodded to in halls but people that became part of who I am. People I talked to that were happy with me, critical of me and were close to me. I am so curious for them to tell me what I talked to them about! I only remember bits and fragments.

These were people who cared about me and I knew it, who smiled when they saw me, who went out of their way to call me and talk for hours, who made cd’s for me and watched scary movies with me and took me to safety when I wasn’t too safe and who’s laughs I won’t haven’t forgotten even as life has taken me far and wide.
We have so much to catch up about and we never could completely.

I have had SO much FUN focusing on remembering just what my favorite memories about them are. Weren’t we so beautiful, round cheeked and dynamic, even as we fought to see ourselves? WE were, probably are now but may not realize it until later.

In moments over the past week, my mind has felt almost rickety as I turn my wheels back and back trying to remember a moment or a look or something that made me laugh hysterically because the time where these people were, in my life, was fantastically care free.

Even for the drama of being a teenager, which was, almost entirely only difficult due to my poor sweet parents trying to cling to an idea of me, which I was changing so quickly through, none of us could hold onto a clear thought or picture of who I may become.
It was awesome, timeless, carefree, and truly near the top as far as exquisite life experiences go.

Later I would put the teeth behind all of the ideas of me.

Later I would realize I am a woman who can simply do absolutely anything that can be dreamed up with only a modicum of will and excitement.

Later I would learn what was meant by the term “personal strength,” and that it is something we breathe into our bodies rather than anything we put out into the world.

Later I would realize that excitement and joy is absolutely all there should be to life and that even the moments of anguish should be loved dearly, as it only makes the best times untouchable and perfect outcome is absolutely inevitable.

Later in life I would have reason to take stock of good advice.
Later in life I would cherish the times in which I could guess it or give it and especially the times it would be ok for me to let someone dear to me make their own mistakes and be ok with it.

Smile anyway.

Later in life I would understand the depth of which a commitment must be made or a loving heart would be needed and the blessing of being wise enough to surround yourself with positive people when you really really need most to be surrounded by positive people.

Later in life I would understand the perfection of timing.

Later, I would understand there are some things which don’t need to be taken to their furthest extent merely because they could be.

Later I would have a full understanding of all the things my lovely parents talked to me long and hard about back then.

Later in life I would carry in my belly the truth of all the pain my actions caused others and I would also learn that it’s ok to let it all go. Healthy even.

Later in life I would understand the way our children are rooted into us from deep in our bellies out, the cord never truly severed no matter how they slice it. Later I would understand the pain of this fact mixed with the joyous beauty of the very same thing and no words ever could have made me understand or appreciate it before I had the experience of it myself.

Later I would notice I was always young and lovely then and wonder why I never notice it in the moment- only after the fact?
Later I would identify the above as something I should work through sooner rather than later.

Now I fully appreciate it all and sincerely try to be fully in every moment, hearing it, smelling it, feeling it NOW, because it’s really all there is and I want to impress it all deeply into my psyche, burn each moment in my memory, so that when things in my life are so much more slow, as is the life of most of the folks whom I care for; I will entertain my care givers with my stories filled with the passion I have felt for my life and whisper my memories of sights and sounds and feelings into my husbands fuzzy ear as he languishes over the images from behind closed lids- my breath still at least tepid on his ear.

If fate should have it that I will not remember for one reason or another, then hopefully those who have shared it with me will keep our encounter bright in their stories- but I won’t know the difference anyway in that case. Still, a dreamer dreams and that’s me.


I have giggled through little stories to Nicholas I tell him from in front of my computer and he by my side at his; explaining to him about who these old friends were to me, how they touched me, how we had SO MUCH FUN and trying to imitate the way they laughed or the way their ideals tried to point me in various directions which I only later appreciated fully.

Nicholas calls me stubborn.

When I told him some of my stories today, Nicholas did the same for me- showing me pictures of his friends then; now, and we re-hashed a bunch of stories between us that made my imagination soar.

A game I play with myself in regard to my husband’s life before me is to try to replay his stories, as he has told them to me, like a movie in my mind where I only take up a small corner of the scene- able to view it all, feel it all.

I adore him the way he is now, I only wish I had the ability to observe all the places I wasn’t in his life, like a movie, a never ending saga. If so, it would surely have in it, all the right elements to hold my attention in all the right measurements, (so as not to be too over bearing) because it contains everything that I look for really, take by take.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Phrases To Live By

I decided last night that I was going to sit down and write my top 3 “Phrases To Live By” but as I was trying to decide which ones I would pick, it turns out that I really have a lot that I focus on regularly. No phrase being much more important than another and each being a phrase I have heard or created for myself (or a situation) at various times in my life. Usually in the harder times when I grew the most as an adult and sometimes right after a very difficult time of growing & change when everything in my world looked and smelled glorious!
So here are my top 30.

Favorite Phrases To Live By:

• I love you!
• I am SO happy I married you!
• If you do the same thing you always do you will get the same thing that you always get.
• Act as if and it will become you
• Breathe
• There is a moment in many situations where the best thing to do is the thing you most fear. It is genuinely good to know what you have.
• I am worthy
• Always do your best.
• If you are mean and don’t like your life or the world, it is a blessing that you walk away.
• There is no question you will succeed with all that you most desire.
• Excitement and fear are the same feeling one just has a more positive spin.
• I adore you.
• Some people are always looking for Gods approval before they act because they aren’t naturally inclined to be good natured without God as the excuse.
• Good morning babeeee.
• If I’m going to be forgiving later, I should just do it now.
• Suck it in.
• I am beautiful
• I can do anything in this life that I desire there are certain things I simply choose not to do.
• Everything matters somehow.
• We choose most of the situations & events in our lives.
• A prayer is a fervent wish of what already IS.
• I don’t know what is going to happen but I’m really excited to find out!
• The unknown is life’s version of excitement and should not be missed.
• There is nothing wrong in this moment.
• I know I can do it.
• If I could be with you right now I would HUG you!
• “Because you are afraid,” isn’t a good enough excuse not to do anything. (as long as it doesn’t involve possibly ending your life)
• Courage means being horribly afraid to do something and then to do it anyway.
• If you don’t like something then change it, if it isn’t clean enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, aromatic enough, shiny enough, smart enough, blue enough, new enough, expensive enough, realistic enough, then do something about it; don’t wait for someone else to do it & don’t have your only constructive contribution be your ability to bitch.
• Be someone others can count on.
• If you are always late you are not someone others can count on.
• Isn’t it amazing everything that we went through to get to here?

I’m not much for New Years resolutions.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all about changing (when it is necessary –or fun)
I simply think if you know something needs changing you’ll get around to it when you finally commit to the idea. For me, it is usually when I feel completely fed up with thinking the same things over and over and over. (Seek phrase to live by #3)

Here are the things I am currently focused on for 2009:

• I have to find a way to get in the habit of living healthy.
• I want to be very focused on surrounding myself with things that I think are beautiful or bring me joy or comfort instead of clutter because I had to merely have something.
• I have to get my degree so when I finish my Executive Director in Training program not having it won’t continue to be the one thing holding me back in my career.
• I have to do more romantic things for my husband.
• I have to plan better so we can go on little get a ways more often.
• Nicholas and I have agreed to read one book a week, together, but separately and he wants to journal every day, but I am not sure I want to commit to that yet. I’m thinking about it.

Monday, December 22, 2008

A public service request

Whats going on with public toilets now a days??

Is there not such a thing as public toilet etiquette?

I pose the question, because it seems that no matter where I go, I must pass stall after stall in a maddening search to find one, that looks decent enough for me to hover over. Just one!
Anymore, I can only actually sit on a public commode if I am intoxicated.

Do you have this same problem?

A pertinent tid-bit to this line of conversation is the fact that apparently, if you are a hoverer, chances are strong you will be unable to fully void. Which is distastefully unhealthy by the way...
But what's a girl to do?

It used to be that (particularly if I picked the first stall) I may have to pass up one or two loathsome toilets when entering a public bathroom. Eww! Still, most of the time, over many years, I have had my pick of adequate facilities, with little exertion in the search- though not anymore!

Frequently I notice that I am scouring public bathrooms to simply find one passable stall and in my opinion, this new occurrence is completely gross.

Whatever happened to Mom's and Dad's teaching their kids to flush?

Don't they do that anymore?

Don't we, as a society flush anymore??

It used to be:
1. wipe
2. flush (and that was pretty reasonable.)

Not tooooo invasive, not asking too much.

Please! Support flushing toilets in your area.

Every little bit helps.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Summary of lunch dicussion with the girls

Note to self when living in freaky cult:

IF there are regular discussions about mass suicide - get out

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Nicholas was playing World Of Warcraft tonight and he was showing me how this particular spot he was in reminded him of Star Wars Galaxies because there was this looooong drop if he were to jump and after he explained it to me and waited for me to look and acknowledge what he was talking about, his toon did jump and began to fall in slow motion, floating past this beautiful glowing silver tree.

It really was a fantastic looking tree! One that made you sincerely wish that it were real so you stood a chance at being able to stand below it one day, admiring it first hand.

We both thought it was beautiful.

I asked him what it was called and he told me it was named the Broken life tree.

As Nicholas' toon floated on past the sparkly Broken life tree, making the looooong decent downward which I spoke about above, he asked me if I thought that tree was lovely and when I did, he said "see that tree is us. It is. That tree is us."

And I loved it that the tree was US because of the way we thought it was beautiful together~ which is just something else that I love about my husband.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Couple a things...

I got myself a pork cutlet with mashed potato's and mushroom gravy TV dinner to eat this evening. Nicholas is in Atlantic City tonight and the kids weren't here for the split pea soup I made last night so they just had that.

Picture this: My meal 'dings' in the microwave and as I peel back the cellophane from my steamy dinner I happen to remember the 2 liter of Pepsi Nicholas and I bought. I smile a bit as I excitedly think about how perfectly it is going to go with my tv dinner as only an ice cold Pepsi can! (No pun intended)

When I opened the fridge though, I was greeted with an all too familiar sight!
All but a quarter of an inch of that 2 liter remained on the top shelf as if mocking me.


They all look guilty.

Insight from the Knight Kitchen

I pulled the rest of our Thanksgiving leftovers out of the fridge and set them on the counter earlier today.

I didn't clean em' (as you can see) I just pulled them out. Which was, in a sense, meant to (eventually) force my own hand, as I could no longer fully ignore them the same way I could when they were hidden behind closed refrigerator doors.

As I stood staring at the fridge trying to decide who slammed my damn Pepsi, I looked to these dirty tubs with angst and disgust and just as I thought I had better resign myself to cleaning those nasty things out, it occurred to me all at once (the way of epiphanies!) that if I just threw them all out I could replace each and every one of them for no more than $6 bucks!

Thats cheaper than a maid.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Sweet potato bisque

The Kitchen staff, within the community in which I work, is staffed with Chef's. Not just cooks but actual Chef's that know how to prepare and cook wondrous dishes and scrumptious deserts that put most average day to day cooking to shame.

It only costs $2. for team members to buy a meal from the Kitchen and Managers actually eat for free so I eat there on a pretty regular basis.

Most lunches start with salad and the soup of the day.
For whatever reason, I don't care too much to eat most salads (not all) that I haven't prepared myself. (Don't know why really) We can analyze that at another time. So anyway, I pretty much leave most of the salads alone, but I have gotten in the habit of eating all the different soups.

The soups they make are sooooooooooooooooo incredibly good and different and completely delicious that I have been craving soup when I'm at home on a regular basis. Since I only know how to cook Split Pea, 15 bean and chicken dumpling soup I am generally left choosing between Campbell's and Chunky at our local grocery stores- which isn't even close to the satisfied and deeply nourishing feeling I get when I slowly savor those steamy bowls of soup.

SO, I talked to Nicholas about my new passion and we agreed we would begin a Soup Quest!
Hunting for and preparing new and varied soups.
Which is exactly what we are doing and this was my first attempt: Sweet potato bisque

I was inspired to look up the recipe because it was a soup that I had tried while working one day, that I thought sounded completely disgusting but fell in love with because it was lightly sweet, tangy, smooth and well, just plain awesome.

When it was finished I gave everyone a small bowl to sample (because most of them were eating pizza and hot wings) and I added crackers and made it my dinner.
They were each impressed by how surprisingly good it was and I was just excited that our soup quest is well under way!

Here is the recipe that I followed:

(Except I cheated and used canned sweet potato's which I drained and smooshed for the sake of immediate gratification)

8 sweet potatoes, peeled and diced
5 cups chicken stock
small pinch ground nutmeg
2 sticks cinnamon, crushed
2 cloves
1 tablespoon maple syrup (or more to taste)
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup Dry Sack sherry
salt and pepper to taste
whipped cream for garnish

Directions: Bring chicken stock, sweet potatoes, maple syrup and spices to a simmer. Simmer until sweet potatoes can be easily crushed. Puree and return to simmer. Add cream and sherry, return just barely to a simmer. Adjust seasonings with salt, pepper and more maple syrup to taste. Strain and serve, garnished with whipped cream and dash of cinnamon.

It was completely AWESOME!
Give it a try!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

My day in pictures

I didn't photograph how peaceful our bed looked as I climbed into it for something like a 3 hour nap early this afternoon before I showered and ventured back out into the world.

I was the third car in line making a left hand turn onto a divided side street over by the Palazzo movie theatre because I was heading to the bank which shares the same parking lot. The sun was at an odd angle I guess because the first two cars completely missed the left where they should have turned and instead turned on the left side of the median- which meant they were driving the wrong way down the road. It was really strange looking to me, even more strange that I saw 4 or 5 of the cars behind me followed them instead of me onto the wrong side of the road?

As I was beginning to make my turn to get where I was going I could see they were all making swift left hand turns into the other bank parking lot and got turned around I guess.
But anyway, I didn't take any pictures of that either.

After I dropped Raechel off for her Youth Group Retreat thing, it was getting pretty dark so I didn't take pictures of dropping Aspen at her friends house to help babysit or stopping at Hen House to buy a magazine so that when it turned out Panera Bread was already closed I would have something to read while I was at Kobe Steak and Sushi over a bowl of combination fried rice or when I picked Aspen back up and came home to talk with Nicholas before he went to bed for the night.

My day wasn't exactly exciting or very eventful or anything like that but examining different moments in my day through the lens of my camera put it all in a little bit different prospective for me. Pausing in the chill air to try and capture a photo of a tree that struck me as beautiful in one of our neighboring yards put a slower spin on my day and I appreciated the slow down.
I have a very good life. Even when I'm missing my husband on a slow day off. Life is very good.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Talkin' Dirty

Now playing: Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
via FoxyTunes

A few days ago Nicholas and I were talking about the way we love all of the events of our earliest meetings with one another, our earliest conversations and all of the events that brought us step by step by step by step to where we are today.

There were certain things that attracted me to him and kept me completely fixated.

The first thing of course,

(since we met online)

was his writing.

Not the fact that he could write.

It was his style.

His brilliance!

The things he talked about and the words that he picked piqued my curiosity to find out who the man behind the keyboard was.

And then I did.

<--- Oh, that doesn't really belong. lol-

Then it was the way being near him felt sooo familiar as if he were created just for me, right down to the very smell of him.

For me, it still is "that" today.

He is still completely smelly perfect.

Now, he does pick some pretty snazzy cologne but it wasn’t that which I’m talking about and it was that too, mixed with the smell of his warm skin under my nose.

The pure perfection of him.

I have spent many moments through many months and several years resting my nose on the skin of his arm or his chest or his head trying to sniff up every bit of the wonderful smell of HIM.

I know you know what I mean.

I could have made a career of loving him and been a blissfully content woman.

I can look back on things in our relationship I loved then and see how it evolved into how I love feeling now.

59 months later.

Today will be our 59’th monthiversary.

And he is in Florida *#@!

and I am here at home -Nickless- at the end of one of the worst and longest weeks I have had in a really long time and I think that completely sucks. *sniffle*

I'm not grumbling because he is in Florida.

I'm just grumbling because I miss him.

(Also due in large part to some hard core pms.. which is equally unfair)

Who knows?

This week may not even have been as bad as I think it was- it could all have been a hormonal illusion right?

The one bright spot in the middle of these tre-suck days is the few minutes I get to hear him talking to me about what is going on in his life and how he misses and loves me and I'm afraid I'm not hiding my fatigue too well.


Monthiversary’s are what we have celebrated in both big and small ways on the 7’th of every single month since we started dating.

I had (embarrassingly) actually thought it was our 60’th monthiversary this month but quickly came to realize that I must have become fouled up somewhere along the line because 60 months equals 5 years and 5 years for us will officially be on December 7’th, 2008.

Which goes to show how truly lame my Math skills really are.

So anyway- prior to having the great revelation which I just shared, above, I had an idea to Google “60 months” and see what all would come up.

The first thing that came up was :

60 months= 5 years

(Hence my revelation)

Then, I typed in 59 months. Nothin fun.

Then (pipe in music)

I typed in December 7 and came upon i n f o r m a t i o n that for my avid followers will be as interesting and mind boggling as it was for me…. although the significance may not hit you all at once.

Give it a moment.

What Google produced for me was this:

December 7 is the 341st day of the year (342nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 24 days remaining until the end of the year.

December 7 is the 341st day of the year (342nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 24 days remaining until the end of the year.


341………. I thought to myself.

And in my usual style

My next thought was:

3 + 4 + 1 = 8

I was really surprised!

I had made such a big deal about the “8’s” in our wedding date -

not even really knowing why 8 would be significant to us anyhow … (?)

and I hadn’t even realized the absolute perfection of the way it all came together until just that very moment on our 59 mothinversary eve and it made me feel good to find it out!

So what does this all mean?????


Nothing really I spose, except for meaning that I am crazy about my husband.

And I miss him and can't wait to have him back home.

Tomorrow I'm going to do something pleasing to me.

I don't know what but I intend to spend the day doing things that feel good to me because

1. This week has sucked and even if it hadn't it would still be the right thing to do!

2. In honor of our 59 monthiversary (insert big kissy lips)

((my husband is also incredibly good at finding awesome pictures of luscious kissy lips))

3. So I am more entertaining to talk to.

A very important trait in a woman.