There is such a vast amount we take away from the people in our lives. Depending, of course, on who you are.
I treasure it all.
After all, this is all there is to life right? All of the angst, pain, worry, all the junk was just a needless side note- because this, this is all there really is. Life should be enjoyed while we have it. The sun on our face, the wind in our hair, all that we have. The stuff of songs and love stories and the things that get our blood pumping, it’s all there ever should have been and it’s great when we figure some of that out. Though it’s often hard at first to shed old habits but then realizing we have the ability it becomes exciting instead.
Some people that I think to often are people that in my memories seemed to have a smaller role than others but for whatever reason, they were there say- the day just before something incredibly pivotal occurred and are now forever emblazoned for a word they shared or a smile in a moment or a recipe. Always there.
The guy who taught me how to whisk fluffy omelets- there, the girl who’s name I envied for it’s glamorous simplicity- there, the lady in the bathroom at the court house as I filed my papers who told me it was going to be hard but I could do it- there. You are all here.
A slow motion masterpiece my memory is.
Some people I think about often are people that have been in my husband’s memory whom I have never even known, except through him and his stories and through the way I envision them honing who he is today, in their own little ways, they have become people in my life too.
This week I have gotten in touch with some old friends from high school. Not people who I only nodded to in halls but people that became part of who I am. People I talked to that were happy with me, critical of me and were close to me. I am so curious for them to tell me what I talked to them about! I only remember bits and fragments.
These were people who cared about me and I knew it, who smiled when they saw me, who went out of their way to call me and talk for hours, who made cd’s for me and watched scary movies with me and took me to safety when I wasn’t too safe and who’s laughs I won’t haven’t forgotten even as life has taken me far and wide.
We have so much to catch up about and we never could completely.
I have had SO much FUN focusing on remembering just what my favorite memories about them are. Weren’t we so beautiful, round cheeked and dynamic, even as we fought to see ourselves? WE were, probably are now but may not realize it until later.
In moments over the past week, my mind has felt almost rickety as I turn my wheels back and back trying to remember a moment or a look or something that made me laugh hysterically because the time where these people were, in my life, was fantastically care free.
Even for the drama of being a teenager, which was, almost entirely only difficult due to my poor sweet parents trying to cling to an idea of me, which I was changing so quickly through, none of us could hold onto a clear thought or picture of who I may become.
It was awesome, timeless, carefree, and truly near the top as far as exquisite life experiences go.
Later I would put the teeth behind all of the ideas of me.
Later I would realize I am a woman who can simply do absolutely anything that can be dreamed up with only a modicum of will and excitement. Later I would learn what was meant by the term “personal strength,” and that it is something we breathe into our bodies rather than anything we put out into the world.
Later I would realize that excitement and joy is absolutely all there should be to life and that even the moments of anguish should be loved dearly, as it only makes the best times untouchable and perfect outcome is absolutely inevitable.
Later in life I would have reason to take stock of good advice.
Later in life I would cherish the times in which I could guess it or give it and especially the times it would be ok for me to let someone dear to me make their own mistakes and be ok with it.
Smile anyway.
Later in life I would understand the depth of which a commitment must be made or a loving heart would be needed and the blessing of being wise enough to surround yourself with positive people when you really really need most to be surrounded by positive people.
Later in life I would understand the perfection of timing.
Later, I would understand there are some things which don’t need to be taken to their furthest extent merely because they could be.
Later I would have a full understanding of all the things my lovely parents talked to me long and hard about back then.
Later in life I would carry in my belly the truth of all the pain my actions caused others and I would also learn that it’s ok to let it all go. Healthy even.
Later in life I would understand the way our children are rooted into us from deep in our bellies out, the cord never truly severed no matter how they slice it. Later I would understand the pain of this fact mixed with the joyous beauty of the very same thing and no words ever could have made me understand or appreciate it before I had the experience of it myself.
Later I would notice I was always young and lovely then and wonder why I never notice it in the moment- only after the fact?
Later I would identify the above as something I should work through sooner rather than later.
Now I fully appreciate it all and sincerely try to be fully in every moment, hearing it, smelling it, feeling it NOW, because it’s really all there is and I want to impress it all deeply into my psyche, burn each moment in my memory, so that when things in my life are so much more slow, as is the life of most of the folks whom I care for; I will entertain my care givers with my stories filled with the passion I have felt for my life and whisper my memories of sights and sounds and feelings into my husbands fuzzy ear as he languishes over the images from behind closed lids- my breath still at least tepid on his ear.
If fate should have it that I will not remember for one reason or another, then hopefully those who have shared it with me will keep our encounter bright in their stories- but I won’t know the difference anyway in that case. Still, a dreamer dreams and that’s me.
Smiling.
I have giggled through little stories to Nicholas I tell him from in front of my computer and he by my side at his; explaining to him about who these old friends were to me, how they touched me, how we had SO MUCH FUN and trying to imitate the way they laughed or the way their ideals tried to point me in various directions which I only later appreciated fully.
Nicholas calls me stubborn.
When I told him some of my stories today, Nicholas did the same for me- showing me pictures of his friends then; now, and we re-hashed a bunch of stories between us that made my imagination soar.
A game I play with myself in regard to my husband’s life before me is to try to replay his stories, as he has told them to me, like a movie in my mind where I only take up a small corner of the scene- able to view it all, feel it all.
I adore him the way he is now, I only wish I had the ability to observe all the places I wasn’t in his life, like a movie, a never ending saga. If so, it would surely have in it, all the right elements to hold my attention in all the right measurements, (so as not to be too over bearing) because it contains everything that I look for really, take by take.
